In our last two installments we looked at getting into trouble and how to deal with the issues of 'offense' and 'forgiveness'. Today we'll take a look at what to do when the pressure of the situation has passed. You blew it, they forgave you and all is well. It would seem like we could just go on from there and not give the issue another thought. But much like folding your own skydive rigging.. you don't do an attentive job halfway through and then just cram the second half in and get on the plane. You can, but I don't suggest it.

Four years ago, I was really, REALLY in love with this woman. I was so in love with this woman I even loved her despite the country/western music -we- had to listen to whenever we rode in her car. (In my car, it was reggae or top-40.) It was during our first few weeks together and I really thought I could sway her into the reggae thing if she'd just give it a chance. Over the course of approximately a week I had made a few joking comments about her preference for music. You know, stuff like.. "What happens when you play country/western music backwards? Answer: You get your cow back, your wife back, your farm...". Well, I guess she about reached the end of her rope with that nonsense because she finally turned to me and said, "I really don't appreciate your comments on my music. I like it and you're not going to change that." Hmmm.. busted.

So there I was. She had me dead to rights. I apologized for being insensitive and she forgave me. But after a brief pause she said something that I've never forgotten. After she said, "Okay, I forgive you..", came, ".. just don't let it happen again." I was at first shocked. Inside my response was, 'You just forgave me.. you can't put conditions on that!.. It's not fair!!'. I didn't say that out loud of course because at heart I knew she was right. I had made an offense, she had forgiven me, but the real end of it would come when I made the resolution to change my ways and stick to it.

This is where we get into the issue of 'effort and grace' versus 'insincerity and dismissal'. When with this same woman (a very sober woman at times) every once in a while I'd just get in a goofy mood and get, well.. goofy. I'd be there beside her somewhere like the bank or grocery line whispering comments in her ear to make her laugh. She of course tried all the harder to keep a straight face. Once in a while she'd whisper back, "Stop it! Just stop it!". I'd look back at her, impersonate her whispering, "Stop it!" and get a small smile out of her. But that was her way of expressing how you deal with unwanted habits or behavior. You just, "stop it" from happening again. Unfortunately she had trouble realizing we can't always just stop habits in one moment and could be hard on herself when she wanted to change her ways.

Effort and grace. Whenever we begin to improve, modify, or change our ways to practice a more mature way of doing things it takes time. It takes thoughtful effort to begin, say.. being punctual, remembering anniversaries, opening her door or in my case, not making snide remarks about musical preference. It takes time, it takes grace. We may have it in our heart to really stop doing whatever it is we realize really hurts the one we love and yet falter a few more times before erasing it from our ways.

Some people don't really have much of a sentimental attachment to anniversaries. Maybe for big ones like 1 year, 5 year and 20 years.. that's about it. But other people enjoy making at least some kind of romantic notice every 6 month anniversary. If you are with one of these people and can't answer the question, "Do you know what today is?" in less than two minutes or three guesses (whichever comes first), you may find this to be an area in need of improvement. Especially if constantly forgetting really hurts their feelings.

So there you are, making conscious effort to change. Or maybe you brought up something to them like, "Please don't call me your 'old man' to your friends, that really gets on my last nerve.". You or they are doing well for a while, but eventually.. you blow it, or they do. It still offends you, but by forgiving them and moving on you are believing they are making an honest effort. This is called, 'extending grace'. It's necessary to both give it and receive it in your relationship or you may as well lay down an ultimatum and say, "Grind your teeth like that one more time, and we're through!". When an honest effort is being made, and that defined as -actual- effort with sincerity and improvement.. a planned effort to make a difference, then offering this extended grace is healthy to the transitional process.

But then there is the other situation, what I call the 'insincerity and dismissal' scenario. If someone has been grinding their teeth or cracking their neck before bed all their life it may take some time to break out of that habit. During the meanwhile the greatest repercussions are that you'll once again cringe as it bothers you. But there are other things that go beyond simple offense. They are beyond being just 'bad habits' and should not be allowed to continue for the same duration lighter offenses merit. But even more important is the 'insincerity' factor that shortens the lifespan of one's willingness to extend grace so freely.

While it would take far too long to make up some "list" of light and heavy offenses, I really don't think it necessary. Most people know, or should know, the difference between the two, though I've at times seen that not to be the case. A point in particular is the man who physically abuses any woman. He may beat her on Friday and then be sorry on Sunday, but if for all his "..this is the last time" speeches he has shown over time he really makes no concerted effort or progress to stop this behavior, a time comes when I believe it is right for a woman to say, "I forgive you, but I will no longer be with you." (Myself, personally, I think that "time" should be the first and last time it ever happens.) As to ending the relationship, the forgiving and leaving are not contradictory. To forgive does not mean you are mandated to the relationship.. it only means that you will not hold that offense against them in your heart. To separate from the relationship is an action she takes realizing that the time the man needs to handle this problem will have to be accomplished without putting herself in such a dangerous and disrespected position.

Although issues such as physical abuse and unfaithfulness of a partner are obvious in their seriousness and impact the issue of insincerity is just as much the issue here. It's one thing if it takes a man eight years to break his habit of snoring or stealing all the blankets in his sleep. Here the man (or woman) cannot have their effort measured by sincerity or insincerity. But when issues such as over-spending mutual finances, offending language, public disrespect and the like are not taken seriously by the offending party as being in need of change and only attempt to make use of the grace extended as a way of "buying more time" or as an opportunity to make more empty promises.. this is when it is well within a person's right and dignity to say that such behavior, while forgiven, will no longer be tolerated and the relationship is terminated.

Love and grace are active gifts of kindness we give because we choose to give them. No one can demand such things from us and be guaranteed of getting them. We must choose to exercise these decisions. So if we find ourselves faced with a person who says they love us, but their actions show that they spurn our love and grace by making abuse of it to continue in their own selfish ways it is not necessary that we stay in a relationship we are considering for marriage. To do so is not only to encounter abuse, but to embrace it.

Similarly, when a person who loves us speaks to us honestly from their heart and is willing to extend grace to us, we should respect the grace they offer and make every effort to show our love by taking their words seriously and acting upon them. Sincerity is not measured so much by tears and promises as it is by effort and results. The age old adage, "Actions speak louder than words.", has not survived through the centuries without reason. We ourselves expect as much from others, so it is only fitting we should love even as we desire to be loved. When two people meet and are willing to offer this kind of love, honesty, grace and effectual sincerity I believe they can work through many hard and difficult times. But if only one or neither desires these things, the relationship can only be at best unhealthy and at worst self-destructive. Thus it behooves us to both give and expect the love that "speaks louder than words".

Go to part 2

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