In our last installment of 'When Things Go Wrong', we examined a few of the dynamics involved when one partner offends the other accidentally due to assumption, ignorance or lack of communicating. In this installment we'll move on to the next level of difficulty by taking a look at 'intentional' offenses.

Imperfect as we humans are we are more likely to have pity on one another when an offense has been established to be -unintentional-. As mentioned before, even a total stranger will forgive you for accidentally stepping on his toe. But to simply take a look at this stranger and, for no reason, suddenly stomp on his foot intentionally.. finding forgiveness will understandably not come as easy. So it is when in close quarters with the person we love. If precaution and sensibility have already been tossed to the wayside and an 'intentional' offense is committed with forethought.. setting it right will take more than a quick, verbal plea for amnesty.

Once the 'act of offense' has been committed, whatever it may be that you find yourself suddenly remorseful of, you have before you several options. Some of them wise, most of them not. One of the first instincts we may attempt is to try and convince the person to redefine the current 'intentional' act as though it were really an 'unintentional' one. This is usually preceded with words similar to, I was only kidding..., I didn't mean it.., I wasn't paying attention.., or Hey, I was drunk...

There are several problems with this approach. For one, you really have to be hoping this person is as dense as you think them to be that they would actually believe you. Whether you hear it or not most times they know when you do something intentionally or not if they know you to any degree at all. Another problem is the addage that, A liar despises those that believe him. If you can convincingly lie to your mate as a method of handlinig your problems, you will eventually think less of them for being foolish enough to believe you. But perhaps the biggest problem with trying to 'redefine' our actions so as to secure settling the issue is that by doing so we are refusing to acknowledge, or 'own', our actions. At best it is considered side-stepping, at worst our mate will eventually figure us to be cowardly.

Another knee-jerk option that may present itself to us (for we are very creative and inventive creatures when caught in the wrong), is the option of absolution by way of diversion. This tactic attempts to divert the attention away from the current offense we are guilty of by bringing up a former offense they may be guilty of and then present the closing resolution of, Well, I'll forgive you if you forgive me. Not only does this tactic attempt to get us out of trouble, but also tries to pat itself on the back for being so willing to call it all even. But again, by employing this method to avoid the fact that we were caught in a valid, current offense is to not only prove how unforgiving we were about their former offense, but also to show how insensitive we are to the current offense by making a deal to save our own skin. Some people may be fooled by this for a time, but to make it the norm in how we handle our offenses is to go through life with a citation book keeping a record of wrongs with our mate. This is a sure way to slowly but surely cool the fire that love brings to our lives.

And then there is the simple, but difficult, option of being honest and contrite when responding to our offense as it is brought up. The good and bad thing about this is that it is only as hard and painful as you make it. To the degree you are willing to understand and practice humility, to that degree you will find it easier to reconcile your offenses with your mate. To the degree you let your pride attempt to justify your wrongdoing as not that bad, don't make such a big deal about it and by the way, 'I'm sorry., to that degree you will find your road to reconciliation all that much the harder. So being that humility is such an important element in all this, let's take a look at it to avoid any misconceptions before you attempt to make use of it.

If it could be put into one sentence, humility could be defined as, Seeing yourself as you are.. no greater, no lesser. It does not mean going into a sudden fit of self-depreciation telling yourself you are but a waste of skin unfit to live among intelligent beings. No, that is thinking of yourself far below your actual station and is a subtle form of pride in that we secretly take some pleasure in declaring ourselves to be so excellent in our state of unworthiness.

Humility also does not mean telling yourself you are unstoppable, better than most mortal beings, able to leap tall buildings and one of God's last gifts to this unworthy world. No, humility both on a regular, day to day basis and in the instances wherein we are caught in the wrong for what we've done simply says, Yes, this action was wrong and I did it on pupose. I have no excuse for my actions, I am guilty as you say. It doesn't leap\ into despondency or stretch to self-justification. It simply allows us to see ourselves in the proper, accurate, real state we happen to be in.

So now back to reconciling a wrong with our mate. Let's create a lab situation. John Doe is in a grumpy mood due to work or whatever and plops down on the sofa to unwind with some television, frowning and angry at the world in the comfort of his own home. Meanwhile, Jane Doe sees his state and tries to lure him into a better mood. So she playfully says, Hey there big-boy, come help me tie this apron on. <wink-wink> John barks out, Do it yourself! Do I have to work all day and help you, too!? John has now just officially blown-it. He may have had a bad day, but containing his temper and being kind to his wife/girlfriend is still his personal responsibility to both her and himself. As for Jane, she's definitely offended. She turns off the stove, shuts off the television and directly expresses her hurt and anger to Joe.

Joe hears her statement of offense. Essentially she's saying, What you said and the way you said it really offended me. What do you have to say for yourself? Joe, being a usually thoughtful kind of guy, takes a moment to ponder his response. He can either tell her he was just kidding. No, that's not gonna fly. He could bring up the time six months ago she called him late at night with a flat tire. No, that wouldn't be right. Or... he could, (gulp), admit to himself and then to her that what he did was wrong. Not almost wrong, or justifiably wrong. Just plain, old, flat-out wrong. This is when Joe's humility to see himself in the current situation can either make or break this crucial moment. He decides to employ this last option.

Jane..., he says, You're right. And.. I was wrong. I know you love me and I should never have spoken the way I did. I offended you and I am sorry. Do you forgive me?

Now, even at this moment we cringe. Because Joe has now made it clear he is the one who needs her forgiveness. He is taking the chance that, having admitted his guilt, she can now just lay into him and really let her anger loose. (Which would be wrong as well, but one offense at a time.) He is now making a request of her that she can either grant or deny.. he is banking on her love for him for he is essentially entreating her mercy. He is not demanding it due to 'extenuating circumstances', he is dealing with the fact that by offending his beloved he placed himself in this position of needing forgiveness in the first place.

Now, if Joe is sincere in his words and not just making empty noises out of that hole in his face, whether Jane forgives him or not he as done the one right thing a man can do when offending another person. If she chooses to refuse forgiveness and clings to the offense for an ongoing spur in his side, then it is now she who is doing offense to the love between them and it can be readily seen that taking such action would have detrimental consequences to their intimacy. Instead, Jane looks at her pathetic Joe and realizes not only is he sorry for what he did, not only did he own up to his mistake like a man, but perhaps most importantly to to her... he gave her words the wieght and respect they deserved.

(To wrap up our lab example, Jane forgives him, they roll on the carpet for awhile and go out for dinner instead.)

Doing the right thing is definitely a challenge to our characters, but when in a loving relationship it is often through practice, practice, practice of these principles that we find it easier with time to not only handle problems maturely with our mate but to venture out and have the character it takes to employ these principles abroad beyond the safe refuge of our home.

Go to:
Part 1
Part 3
©1999

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