This has been a very distressing day. Things took an unexpected turn recently and all is not well between myself and a certain ladyfriend of mine. In the process of attempting to set things right it occurred to me that for all we may learn of the proper principles in relating to both friends and lovers, misunderstandings are as unavoidable as a gust of wind on a clear sunny day. Already I know this will have to be part of a series as we take time to look at, not how to avoid problems in our relationships, but how to deal with them when they've already made their presence known. While it would be a tedious, unending task to address every issue under the sun, it's my hope we can look at and employ certain principles that may guide us along.

First we will look at the situation at hand. For now we will deal with the relationship between a man and woman, whether it be as friends or an exclusive relationship since there are certain dynamics at work here that are not always present with same sex friendships. Some problems arise accidentally due to the unintentional act of one partner. We will discuss this instance here in our first installment. In these instances, the problem is due to no predetermined, malicious effort.. but merely a misunderstanding caused by assumption, ignorance or lack of communication.

Part of what makes it such a joy for me as a man to spend time conversing with a woman is to discuss a variety of topics with her and constantly find that even when we agree on any given topic it is often for different reasons or from different viewpoints. Men and women think and react differently, no surprise there. So it must be remembered that when a man and woman attempt to sort out a relationship problem they are still looking at the problem from two very different perspectives, both equally valid.

As a man I've often observed of myself and other men that when we want to discuss a relationship problem our first inclination is to approach it by first dissecting it's origin and then tracing how the repercussions made their conclusion to the problem at hand. However, in listening to what the woman I am sorting the problem with has to say, I've observed she is more concerned with the motivations and state of heart that the actions implied to her. While both viewpoints have their usefulness it should be kept in mind during the heat of discourse that the objective in "working out" issues should not to have a tug of war between 'reason vs. emotion'. Too many times this is easy to do with the man constantly moving the conversation over to "who said what, when and to what end..." while the woman struggles to move the discussion into the area of "why and what did you mean by?..".

Instead, what should be kept in mind is listening with twice the effort as you put into stating your own position. Several years ago I was shopping with a woman with whom I was in a relationship at the time. As we approached the mall door I stepped forward to open the door for her. She is a very clever, intelligent woman and we often made subtle tongue-in-cheek comments to each other along those lines. As she went through the door she smiled and remarked, "Do you always open the door for just -any- woman?" Wanting to be both playful and complimentary I replied, "I always open the door for a beautiful woman." It was only a few moments later that she began to take serious offense to my comment.

She said that she felt offended that I implied I would not open the door for just -any- woman and the further implication being that, had I not considered her beautiful I'd not have opened the door for her. I replied that I had made the comment in the same playful manner I'd taken her question and that there was no reason for her to feel offended. To this she replied, "Whether you feel I have reason or not, I am offended and that is what is at issue."

Even as we were discussing the same event we were talking about two completely different issues. My attention was drawn to observing what had taken place and trying to find where I was at fault. Her attention was on the implications and motivations of what I'd said and how it might reflect what I thought of her. So now... what to do? Two things had to be clarified. One was that I let her know I had not intended the implications she feared. The other was that I acknowledge having offended her and for that I was sorry. This is what we did and the issue was set aside.

But what can happen very easily is that a man may be more concerned with proving his own innocence than he is in hearing that, whether intentional or not, he did something that set his beloved's heart unrest or offense. It is much like stepping on a stranger's toe when in a crowded situation. We look at the person and tell them we're sorry. We say this not because we suddenly regret having some predetermined, malicious intent to purposely step on their toe, but we aplogize because we have caused them some discomfort and inconvenience.

Two important things we must remember about ourselves as people is that we highly value both being heard and having our expressions given due consideration. Even if we are innocent of the "instance" being discussed, if in the course of discussing it we ignore the fact that we have caused someone unrest it is in ignoring their expressions that we are guilty of an actual offense to them. For it is a subtle form of disrespect to essentially argue, "I don't care what you felt, I didn't mean it that way, so drop it." To instead say, "I didn't mean it that way, trust me.. but I did hurt your feelings and for that I am sorry." requires both a strong sense of humility and consideration from ourselves. To some this is considered weak or even an injustice to themselves. But to the one who has their heart set on reconciliation, consideration and love for their beloved, it is yet another intimate expression of our care for their well being.

Go to part 2

©1999

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