About eleven years ago, I received the most important phone call of my life. I was sitting at my desk, the executive director of a small organization dedicated to the end of hunger worldwide. On the other end of the phone, I heard my friend Ellen say, "Alison, we need to talk. Men are attracted to you like bees to honey, but when you are done with them, it's like they have been with a vampire."

As you can imagine, that got my attention. My first thought was, "What? A vampire? Little old, innocent me?" Out loud, I said, "What are you talking about?" For the next half hour, Ellen proceeded to tell me all the ways that she had witnessed me emasculate men, or ways she knew I must have because she saw the trail of disempowered men. I squirmed most of the time, but couldn't contradict her. She was absolutely accurate; I had done everything she said.

All the while, though, I kept wondering why we were talking about it. After all, women emasculate men all the time. It's standard behavior, par for the course, status quo-right? It was all just part of?the war between the sexes.

Then Ellen said, "You've even done it to Jeffrey." That caught my breath. Jeff is my son, who was 3-years-old at the time. As soon as she said it, I could see that it was true. Any time that he didn't behave according to my ideals (ideals I found out later were based on how women behave), I had something to say about it.

After Ellen had me completely squirming on the hook, appalled at the wake of men I left behind, she said, "I want you to cut it out." She said it so simply, so easily. But it felt like she was asking me to cut out my own heart.

I instantly thought, "But they are bigger and stronger and they'll hurt me." I don't remember ever consciously thinking that before that moment. But it had the force of truth. And I could see all my interactions with men since I was 16-years-old came from that premise: they are bigger and stronger and they'll hurt me.

And from a second premise, taught by my stepfather, "The best defense is a good offense." That statement defined my relationships with men. I was always on the offense-with my intellect, my sense of humor, my looks, and my sexuality. No man was allowed to keep his balance around me. If he couldn't get his balance, he couldn't attack, was my unconscious but completely operative reasoning.

I might have bailed out of the conversation at that point if it weren't happening under some unusual circumstances: six months prior, I had begun studying men. I had discovered how much they wanted to be my hero, and how much they wanted to make me happy. But now I could see I had gathered the information under the premise "know thy enemy." The more I knew about men, the more effective I was at taking the wind out of their sails.

Who would need to keep other people weak? Someone powerful? Nope. My compulsion to keep men down came from my own sense of weakness. I couldn't stand them having power, because I was sure I had none. And every time I emasculated a man, that knee-jerk reaction came from my own fear and reinforced my own feeling of weakness. As soon as I saw this, I realized that I would never experience my power as a woman until I allowed men to have their power too.

I took a deep breath and said, "Okay. I'll stop. I won't emasculate men."

I'll never forget that moment. It felt like wrapping myself in a warm coat of delicious, pure feminine power. It was the beginning of new life for me. I laid down my sword and learned diplomacy. I gave up manipulation and learned communication. I gave up power struggles and learned how to give men power, while losing none. I gave up being an adversary and learned how to be a partner.

That conversation with Ellen was the end of the war between the sexes for me. To this day, I am amazed at how men respond to me. They are so ready for me to be everything I've always wanted to be.

I kept studying men and a few years later started PAX Programs, a company that offers the Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women® workshop and other programs that promote peace between men and woman. PAX is dedicated to ending the battle of the sexes, which is the longest running war in history.

It is easy to feel powerless today. It is easy to blame what is happening on "war-mongering men." From learning about who men really are, it is pretty easy for me to resist that temptation. Instead, I just keep asking the question, "What is my piece of peace?"

©2006 Alison Armstrong

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