Understand What Scares Off-Or Turns Off The Opposite Sex

Men and women often say things in personal ads and online profiles that convey an entirely different message from what was intended. As a result, they unintentionally scare off, or turn off, the very people they're trying to reach. Typically, this is due to a fundamental misunderstanding of how the opposite sex thinks.

For example, a single mother might say something like, "I have the most brilliant and musically-gifted 14 year old son", or "My daughter amazes me every day", or "My kids are my life". The intended message is that they're great kids and I think you'll love them as much as I do. But the message that's actually heard is that no man will ever be as important to her as her kids.

Virtually all men feel at least some trepidation in dealing with another man's kids. It's no secret that children of divorced parents often want their parents to get back together, and may resent some new person entering the picture. It's also no secret that kids are tough enough to handle even when they're your own. A single mother has a complex and potentially volatile system in place, and a prospective dating partner will need assurance that the system can accept him.

One way for the woman to do this is to stress in her ad that she is more than just a mother, that she has adult interests and will make the time for a relationship with a man. I think the following ad does a good job of conveying these messages:

Million Dollar Smile. DWF, 37, single mom (boy 8, girl 6), small business owner, avid runner but loves rainy Sundays with newspapers and coffee. Happy with my life but would love to share it with an educated, emotionally mature man who likes kids, conversation, laughter....

Another common miscommunication involves interests and activities that appeal almost exclusively to women. I apologize for offending anyone, but I'm saying this for your own good. I don't care how much you love quilting, knitting, clothes shopping, reading interior design magazines, watching Martha Stewart reruns, or participating in women-only book clubs. Don't mention any of it in your ad. You may think you're sending the message that you love to look your best, create beautiful things, entertain graciously, and/or challenge yourself intellectually. But men will hear the message that they have nothing in common with you, or that you can't truly relate to anyone but other women.

Ironically, most men do appreciate attractive surroundings, delicious meals, and intelligent, well-dressed women. They just don't care about what goes into it all. They don't want to read about it or talk about it or deal with the planning, preparation, and the seemingly-endless obsessing over it. They only want to enjoy it. With that in mind, your ad should refer to the product, not the process. One ad I liked said, "...Picture yourself on my lakeside deck, watching it get dark, enjoying your martini and my company..."

Women, of course, are not alone when it comes to sending messages that backfire. All too often, men make inappropriate references in their ads to their sexual desires, needs, fantasies, and prowess. They hope to come across as someone who will please a woman in the bedroom, but most of them won't get that far. Even women who love sex don't like to feel they're answering a sex ad.

Or men will say things in their ads that are evidently intended to get sympathy or support, but are seen by the reader as a red flag. I've seen statements like, "...been hurt bad in previous relationships", or "...hoping to find someone who will restore my faith in women". Men who have not recovered from failed relationships, or who have lost their faith in women, are not exactly what most women are seeking in a new partner. Women may, in general, be more tender-hearted than men, but very few women are interested in taking on a total stranger as a "project". Why get involved with someone who is bitter, hostile, emotionally fragile, or, quite possibly, clueless as to his own role in the breakup? Men-and women, too-should simply avoid making negative references to previous marriages or relationships in their ads.

One way to prevent some of these misunderstandings is to have a friend of the opposite sex review your ad before you post it. You'll have to stress that you really do want his or her candid opinion, and, of course, you shouldn't take it personally if the opinion is not entirely favorable. Most of us, myself included, need all the help we can get when it comes to understanding male-female differences.

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