Many couples go through struggles, fights, problems, issues and almost get to the brink of a break-up or divorce. Yet they love each other, or they are attached to each other, or they have to stay together for some outside reason, or they are not ready to give up on what may be a great relationship, or all of the above.

This is a good thing - it's good to keep trying to make love work.

But how do you survive the in-between time, when things are not yet working exactly and yet both of you are trying? How do you hang in there while both of you work to get it right?

Try the practice of Acceptance. Acceptance, as a concept and practice, may be a powerful answer to the "in-between" time problem.

The type of acceptance I am referring to is about learning to be at peace with how things are at the moment. It is coming to believe and understand that the things you want the most may come. But if they do not, perhaps they were not meant to be in your life, and if so then there is something better, or something more purposeful, or perhaps something to learn in what does come to pass.

This is a spiritual concept, one most often espoused in Buddhist teachings; but it is also a part of most religious and spiritual disciplines.

If you can achieve this kind of acceptance, you can learn to be present in the moment in your relationship. You can learn to be with how things are right now, without desperately wanting them to be different.

In the process of doing this, your relationship situation may become what you wanted in the first place. On the other hand, it may not -- but you may simply have a peaceful, satisfying life.

How do you achieve acceptance?

1. Face your greatest fears about the relationship:

• Face your greatest fear about the relationship
• Face your greatest wants and desires for the relationship
• Face the feelings of possibly not having what you want
• Face the feelings of losing the relationship
• Face your fear of disappointment and heartache

In facing your fears, you will confront those worst possible scenarios which, when they are not faced, make it hard to be in the in-between time of waiting for the relationship to work. Facing the possibilities you fear will give you peace.

2. If you can, come up with a strategy of what you will do if you greatest fears come true. This can be a loose strategy or a detailed one - choose a strategy that gives you comfort and peace.

3. Make sure you communicate clearly with each other about what you want and expect in the relationship. Next, make sure that you both know what each one of you is agreeing to work to achieve. This should give you a measure of peace, as you will know what you may expect of the future if all turns out as planned.

4. Practice a spiritual discipline, whether that be meditation, prayer, communing with nature, sitting quietly, going to church, etc. What you will be seeking is training in how to be with what IS now when it's not what you want, not what you hoped for, not what you would choose for yourself. Learning to be with what IS will teach you how to have peace in any circumstance.

5. In achieving peace, at least some of the time, you will have naturally achieved acceptance of the state of your relationship as it is now. Although acceptance is not a guaranteed way to help your relationship turn around or to make sure your relationship works out right, it can be of great help to both of you. It will make the process of growth and life easier.

©2004

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