Most of us, including me, would like to enter into another (or first) meaningful relationship. The key word here is meaningful. We need to be comfortable with who we are, and with being alone, before we go searching for a partner in life.

Before we start a meaningful relationship, we have to learn to like ourselves. Until we can do that, we wouldn't be able to love someone else. If we want real love, then we need to have enough self confidence, and self respect to unconditionally accept the other person for who they are. That doesn't mean we have to be conceited, just that we respect, and trust ourselves, while accepting the fact that we aren't perfect. A side benefit to this is that we will be more relaxed, and comfortable around other people, and so are more likely to attract members of the opposite sex.

Being alone is not necessary a bad thing. The general consensus seems to be that if we are alone, we must be lonely, but the two are not the same thing. If you are divorced, separated, or have ended a good relationship, then think back, weren't there times that you wished you where single, because the relationship was preventing you from doing some of the things you want to do. Now's your chance to do them. Whatever it is that you felt your relationship was stopping you from doing, you are free to do now. There's nothing stopping you. Sure, you may have financial obligations, and maybe children to consider, but the point is, while we are single we might as well take advantage of it, and learn to be comfortable with it.

If we can be comfortable with being alone, and with who we are, the next section will probably take care of itself, but I'll touch on it anyway. We have to be careful not to search too desperately for love, but instead we should just be open to it. Don't fall in love with being in love! Let's enjoy being single. We can go on dates, make new friends, and just go out, and have a good time, without expecting everyone we meet to fall in love with us, or even want to date us. Accept people for who they are, and just enjoy their company. Eventually we'll meet that someone special.

It's especially tempting after a breakup to go out and find someone else to love. That's like getting a new puppy to replace the one that got ran over by a truck. Don't do it! If friendship develops into something more, that's great, but be careful not to use someone to fill the emptiness you might feel now. That type of relationship is almost guaranteed to fail.

It may seem like I'm saying that we should avoid relationships altogether. That's not the case, what I'm trying to say is that, we need to be content with ourselves so that we avoid getting into a relationship that's based on something other than love.

OK, now that we've accomplished that, how do we go about finding the perfect match? Where can we find this person? The usual advice seems to be at malls, libraries, bars, and any other place that has a lot of people. Unfortunately even if our perfect match is at these places when we are, odds are against us meeting them. Instead take dance classes, join a club, take a course, or just about anything that you might be interested in, as long as it includes other people. Put yourself in a situation that's going to enable you to meet people with similar interests, and at the very least you'll make some new friends. Don't do these things with the sole intention of finding someone to fall in love with, instead use it as an opportunity to have some fun, and make new friends.

The other option is the personals. I'm not going to repeat too much of what's written everywhere else, other than to make a few comments. Newspapers are expensive, but according to a friend of mine that tried one, they work pretty well. There's the type of personals that I've seen in the papers that cost nothing to enter an ad, but you have to call a 900 number to reply to an ad. That would be fine, except (at least the one I tried) kept you on line way too long, so again it gets expensive. The news groups would be OK, but most of them are so full of ads for porn, that they aren't worth looking at. Soc.personals looks like it might be OK. I haven't tried using a newsgroup, so I can't say how effective they are. How about the web based personals? Some are good, but I don't like the ones that want you to sign up, just to browse.

I'll just say this about placing an ad, or answering one. Be honest, there's no use meeting someone on some pretense. Also exchange pictures early in the exchange. I say this because it's hard not to put a face on someone that you've been exchanging mail with, and if you wait too long to exchange pictures, you wouldn't be able to connect the person you've been writing to with the person you actually meet. For more information on the web based personals see Free Personals: Using The Dating Services.

In case you are wondering, I have tried the web based personals, both by placing an ad, and by responding to ads, and I have made some friends. That alone makes them worth trying.

What this whole article boils down to is if you can learn to relax, enjoy life, and be open to new relationships you will dramatically increase your chances of finding someone special.

©1999

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