The birth of a step family will always leave some members feeling like outsiders. This is a very normal part of step family development. Those who are related biologically are insiders. They've always been together as a unit. Those who are related by marriage have not.

This outsider factor is the reason step families are so different from nuclear families (mom, dad and their kids). This outsider perspective has to be accepted and managed effectively in order for the family to succeed. Let's talk about some ways to begin moving your family in that direction.

Create new space - Moving into a partner's existing home can make this process take longer. You automatically feel as if you are the outsider moving into the other family's home. If this is the decision you make, be sure to develop plans for how to change the home to help it feel more like your own. This can include anywhere from major renovations to simple paint on the wall.

Give it time - While I know a lot of you groan when I bring up research statistics, this one's important - It can take up to 7 years for step families to start working and feeling like a family unit. Ouch!! I know that's a long time. Remember, there are varying degrees of what a "family unit" is. That doesn't mean you won't have glimpses of that along the way. It just takes that long to feel like you're a family, not a bunch of insiders and outsiders.

It's a family effort - This isn't a task you can complete on your own. While you have control over your thought life, you will need your spouse's help as well. Try to find activities for the family as a whole to participate in. It's these shared moments that connect us to one another. The more of those you can experience, the closer family unit you will become. Be sure to keep your expectations realistic though. Don't force kids to do things they don't want to do hoping it will bring you closer. You might just end up pushing them farther way.

It's all in how you see it - Sometimes I don't think we realize just how powerful our thoughts and perceptions are. They can wreak havoc with our lives in a matter of minutes if we're not careful. Acknowledge that feeling like an outsider is NORMAL. Don't be surprised or disappointed with it. It doesn't mean anything's wrong with you or your family. It's just the opposite. Make it your goal to look for ways that your family is coming together every single day. If all you focus on is how awkward things feel, then that's all you'll see and become discouraged quickly.

Relax - Feeling like an outsider causes a sense of urgency and anxiety. We want our families to be the place where we can truly be ourselves and be accepted. Yes, that is the ideal. But with a step family that takes time. Not everyone may have been happy about this marriage so acceptance may not come easy. Take what you can get every day and keeping focusing on moving forward.

You may be asking, "What are some other ways we can help our new step family connect and grow closer?" There are two answers: education and support.

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©2009 Alyssa Johnson at Remarriage Success

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