Well, I thought that being single already had enough hurtles to bound, but I have found yet another. Along with all the other impossibilities involved in 'second time around' relationships, it now seems that on top of everything else, they must also be astrologically correct. More than a few people who have called my dating network have been concerned about a perspective dates astrological condition. As a matter of fact, I even spoke to one young lady about this, and even ended up asking her out. That's right. I'm not only the Dating Club president, I'm a client too.

I decided to call this astrologically informed young lady and see what was going on. I immediately impressed her with my 'Kil Basa, What's cooking' line ('Que Pasa, What's happening' parody). Anyway, shortly into our call and after a little small talk, I was asked when my birthday was. Not my age, but my birthday. I quickly told her not to worry about not getting me anything, because, after all, she didn't even know me on my last birthday. But that wasn't her reason for asking. She wanted to know my 'sign'. And my birthplace. And my time of birth (within 4 minutes if possible). Wow!! This is really a science!

We had a nice conversation, and I thought the call had gone well. I felt maybe a thread of connection was in the process. I was hopeful, or at least hopeful enough to call her again. But something had happened between the first phone call and the second call. This call, I immediately noticed it seemed to be a little cool on the other end of the phone line. There seemed to be something in the way. Then it came out. She had read my horoscope. And guess what!

It was HOROSCOPEABLE!! Why, based on my astrological chart, my life was much worse than I had thought. And concerning the two of us, it seemed that our charts were very much juxtaposed. The good news, I was told, was there might be some breakthroughs somewhere in the distant future (but don't hold your breath). I was stunned. After all, many people have told me that I have 'good Karma', and almost every fortune cookie I've received has said good things about my future. I was considerably upset and confused. So I did the thing I do when I can't think of anything else. I said "would you like to have dinner sometime?" (in the very near future), and she replied in astonishment "You really want to go to dinner with me, knowing that we are totally incompatible?".

Maybe I'm on the wrong track here with my dating network. Maybe I should be referring all my people to the psychic network (first ten minutes free). Dionne Warwick look out, I'm right behind you. Why spend all this time and emotional energy on the phone, and at restaurants, getting to know each other, when it's all in our charts.

Well anyway, I ended up getting a "he's pathetic, but he's a nice guy" dinner date (I get some of these). At dinner, I thought it was going nicely, but there always seemed to be this gray cloud hanging over my head. I mean, I don't want to be the one to bring this up, but I think my chart must have said something terrible about our (potential) sex life. I mean, it's bad enough being told you're bad in bed afterwards, but this is ridiculous. But it's not over. By now you may know I'm a sucker for punishment. So I innocently asked what my chart had said that was so bad. And with gloom and anxiety in her voice she said something like: "Uranus is ascending to my Venus."

This sounds Freudian. This sounds physiological. This sounds like I should see a proctologist. So on top of everything else (including a lousy astrological chart), I've got a medical condition that isn't supposed to happen to men until they're at least eighty! Anything like this ever happen to you? I'm out of here. Dionne's waiting on the phone.

© Larry Lawrence

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