Would you know it if your man was leading a double life?

Would the signs be obvious to you or to your family and friends?

Most of the time we know when the top isn't spinning right in our relationships, but we don't want to know so we conveniently "overlook" the obvious when it comes to our men. Other times we're in the dark about their secretive tricks until something definitive happens and the light switch is thrown. Then suddenly everything is bathed in a painfully bright light.

Well, never fear...reinforcements have arrived!

Now, make sure you read with both eyes and listen with both ears -- BUT be sure you're not looking for the fire unless you already smell the smoke...

After speaking at length with several private investigators and divorce attorneys, I'm going to share the top 7 "smoke signals" your husband or live-in boyfriend could not only have another woman out there, but perhaps a whole other family outside of his home with you:

Signal #1. He has reason(s) to travel consistently or frequently.

If your man has a job or hobby that requires consistent and/or frequent travel--look out. According to experienced private investigators, this is the NUMBER ONE cover for a second, or even a third, hidden family life.

Signal #2. YOU are in the dark about his TRUE financial income and/or holdings.

Does he have complete autonomy of the household finances? Whether he does or not, how do you know he doesn't have bank accounts you may not know about? Are you sure he doesn't have trust funds, mutual funds, IRA's, stocks and bonds, or even annuities hidden from you? How about credit cards? A credit report may be a good place to check on those.

Moreover, what about life insurance policies and wills? Do you have access to a copy of his will? Are you sure you know who's listed as his primary and contingent beneficiaries? Better find out. According to top divorce attorneys, many women are CLUELESS in these areas until either someone dies or it's all aired for a judge to hear in court.

What's more, are you sure you know his exact income? And could he possibly receive hefty stipends or bonuses you aren't clued in on? Better get busy finding that out too.

Signal #3. He has reason to be in regular contact with an ex-wife or girlfriend but (by either choice or circumstance) you're excluded from most of his interactions with this person.

This is a big one. If he has children, property, business, etc. from a prior marriage or relationship, this constitutes reason to be in contact with an ex-whatever. Beware the "old and familiar" syndrome. Sometimes you'd rather not be involved when he's dealing with his ex, but in most regards, that makes it quite easy for him to re-ignite a whole other life with that person.

Take note: this sign could also be present with his or YOUR own best friend, YOUR own sister, YOUR own mother, YOUR own daughter, etc. You'd be surprised what private investigators see in their line of work! Don't be a fool.

Signal #4. You have little or no access to his pager, cell phone, or e-mail.

Another big one, but self-explanatory. Pretty easy to have another woman, other children or in-laws contacting him if he makes sure he's not in danger of you answering the phone, checking on the pager, or reading his e-mail. Private investigators agree -- you shouldn't have to demand access to these things, but they shouldn't be inaccessible to you either...get it?

Signal #5. He regularly attends the usual "couple's" events...but somehow you don't.

If you find that more often than not, he winds up having cause to go solo to weddings, holiday events or social functions, I'd start scratching what might appear to be the surface and get down to the nitty-gritty of exactly why that may be happening. It could be that it wasn't an event your side of his life could "safely" attend. Perhaps these are the times that his "other family" is on his arm...

Signal #6. He's frequently not in the mood for sex or there's been some change in sexual appetite or behavior.

Have whips and chains entered the picture from out of left field? Has the "sex talk" suddenly become chock-full of color after 10 or more years of black and white? This could mean sex has gotten more inventive elsewhere and he's ready to spice it up with you too...

On the other hand if his appetite for sex has decreased or come to a noticeable halt, chances are he's getting his fill of sex in his other "home" and just plain has nothing left by the time he comes home to you.

Signal #7. Last, but not least, if he makes frequent gazes to the left --- something's not right.

A psychological indicator that we're using the creative side of our brain is a look up into the air and to the left. If this happens often while he's talking to you, the best way to tell if he's lying is if his lips are moving.

If you're already sniffing smoke in your relationship, you may want to go ahead and check for fires. If you find out he has another "life", be sure you don't fan the flames by being passive.

Some advice? Take control --- cut your losses and evacuate the building.

©2003

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