Recently, the Relationship Coaching Institute (RCI) conducted a survey of several hundred singles. With over 100 responses, 80% of them from singles between the ages of 40 and 60, their most urgent question was, "Where do I meet eligible singles to date?" Tara Kachaturoff interviewed RCI relationship coach and author Randy Hurlburt to find out his thoughts on the topic.

Tara Kachaturoff | Editor

Tara: Why do you think singles perceive there is such a difficulty in finding places to meet other singles? There's a virtual explosion of online dating sites, online activity postings for singles, and more options than ever before for meeting singles. What do you think is going on?

Randy: There are ample numbers of places to meet "other singles." The problem is meeting "other singles who match your requirements." Solving the problem then becomes a two-step process: knowing your requirements and then finding places (or ways) to meet people who are potentially aligned with your requirements.

Most singles have a vague idea of what they want. Or perhaps they have a long laundry list of "requirements." Neither one of these is helpful. You have to be very clear with yourself about what you absolutely must have, and what you are willing to give up in order to have a relationship. No relationships are perfect - all come at a price. What price are you willing to pay for a relationship that is not perfect (but might be good)?

Also, there is a lot of false information out there about how to choose a partner. Online dating sites that offer "compatibility" screening do a disfavor to their members. There's nothing wrong with identifying common interests and values, but there is much more to making a successful relationship, and you should be informed fully before expecting mere compatibility to result in a happy relationship.

Frankly, clearly and realistically identifying your requirements is not as easy as it sounds. And the flip side of the coin is equally important -- upgrading what you bring into a relationship. What worked for you in your 20's is not likely to work in your 40's.

Tara: Where are the best places for singles to meet other singles?

Randy: Given what I've already said, there are some places that are better than others, and some "ways" that are worth exploring. First of all, generic places such as the grocery store or singles clubs offer little or no screening and so you start at a disadvantage. You might meet someone here, but the chances are less than at a more quality venue.

Online dating sites that provide compatibility screening can help as long as you know that meeting in person is critical before making ANY judgments about the chances for success. Online sites that cater to important core values such as religion or spirituality can provide an additional screen that may help, but it is still important to meet in person, and frequently!

Personally, I prefer local activity organizations where you can do things you enjoy in the company of others with common interests or values. In this way you can observe and get to know someone over time, and vice versa. A church, athletic club, a charity or volunteer organization can be such a venue.

A singles club that combines activity focus and value focus can be good, such as Sierra Singles (combines outdoor activities with environmental values and singles). Other similar organizations can be found that reflect who you are. Involvement in several such organizations can provide diversity and increase your chances for success.

I think personal growth venues should be seriously considered. One of the main "requirements" that you should have is to meet someone with a reasonably high level of emotional maturity (lack of same is a significant cause of relationship failures). People who attend seminars, workshops, or other personal growth programs might be somewhat more likely to be emotionally mature.

Referrals from family and friends should not be discounted. I know that blind dates and being "set up" often do not work out, but those who know and like you, at least, have your best interests at heart and many good relationships have begun this way. Swallowing your pride and asking others for assistance and referrals is probably the best way of unearthing those jewels who are also unsure of where to meet singles, and thus are not going out.

Tara: Are there any places singles should avoid and why?

Randy: The main thing to avoid is making any decisions too quickly. Sure, bars are likely to generate alcoholics, but this is a generalization and certainly it is possible to meet a quality person at a bar. I don't recommend bars, but I use this as an example to illustrate that at any venue there are good people and bad, and even among the good people, there will be those that meet your requirements and those that don't.

Therefore, I advocate using all the avenues that are available to you, prioritizing them for the likelihood that someone who meets your requirements will frequent such a place. I suppose I would avoid prisons, as well.

Tara: Some might say that the only reason someone isn't meeting other singles is because they really don't want to on some level -- law of attraction, etc. What are your thoughts?

Randy: I don't think it's so much a matter of "don't want to" as "don't know how to" or "afraid to." This could be interpreted as "don't want to" in that such a person does not "want" enough to go get the necessary information or overcome the fear of rejection or fear of getting hurt. Desire, without action, is not worth anything. Even the law of attraction can be seductively unhelpful to the degree that it is interpreted as "all you have to do is to think about it." Action is necessary.

Fear is a natural part of life and love; taking action to find and build love takes courage. A relationship coach can help increase your knowledge and skill, thereby decreasing your fear.

Tara: If a new client asked you, "So where do I find other eligible singles to meet?" what would you say?

Randy: I'd say, "Let's get clear on your requirements! You don't want just any eligible single. And let's upgrade your skills; you want to be a person of interest to those who meet your requirements!" How you present yourself is more important than where you present yourself.

©2008

Back To Article Index