Seven Tips On Finding Lasting Love
Alison Blackman Dunham and Jessica Blackman Freedman, THE ADVICE SISTERS
Perhaps you haven't dated for what seems like decades, and you're worried about how to play the game of love. THE ADVICE SISTERS know that especially for mature women (and we're in your group), dating can be scary. There are so many unanswered questions: Will I ever meet someone I can trust and love? Can I still be attractive to someone else? Will I be able to compete in the "meet market with all those younger women?" How can I feel ready to love again? What if I'm just no good at dating? What if I can't get over my fear and get the courage to TRY?
Here are some suggestions from THE ADVICE SISTERS to get through the dating process and find the love you want:
1. Use your head to guide your heart:
The good news is that there is someone special for everyone! You don't need to change yourself into something you're not to find lasting love. In fact, our book RECRUITING LOVE: USING THE BUSINESS SKILLS YOU HAVE TO FIND THE LOVE YOU WANT (Cyclone Books, 1998) shows you how to use the SEXIEST part of your body - your HEAD - to attract lasting love. RELAX! You don't have to use your body, or play silly games! The idea is to BE YOURSELF! We shouldn't worry about competing with 20-year-old girls...we shouldn't even try! The idea is to find someone who will look at you and say "you're just what I want." Let's face it... any man over the age of 50 who really wants a 20-year old probably isn't for you anyway.
2. Dating isn't romance..have a great plan..the romance will follow:
Don't make the mistake of expecting DATING to be romantic. Love is an emotion but dating is a PROCESS like finding a job, going on a diet, or training for a marathon. Like any other process you have to identify a goal, make a plan to reach the goal, and commit to that goal until you reach it. In fairy tales love just instantly happens, but in real life, planning for dating success, just like planning for any important project or goal, and putting in the work, makes the dream come true!
3. Know what you really want:
How can you look for Mr. Perfect if you don't really know who he is? You must take the time to discover your own sincere feelings and needs before you start looking for love. If you don't know what kind of person you want to attract, you effectively look for him in the right kinds of places. Worse, you end up spending a lot of time on disappointing social activities or bad dates that waste your time and cause burn-out and frustration. When we're teenagers, we "bulk date" (date anything that asks us and everything that moves) to learn what kind of person we want, but adult women find this just an energy-draining waste of time. You shouldn't date just anyone!
4. Know your own assets and liabilities:>
It's also important to be clear about what you have to offer someone else. In RECRUITING LOVE we have an entire chapter devoted to easy, check-the-box assessments to help you discover just how many positive aspects you have, and which things you might want to improve. If you think you're a winner, you'll act like a winner and will radiate that feeling. People will be naturally, instantly drawn to you!
5. Make a commitment to succeed:
It is up to each and every woman to seek out and claim happiness and personal success in life, in relationships, in love, in work and in the world. There is a price to pay. Reaching goals takes planning and resolve. We know that when it comes to personal relationships, if intelligent women spent even an iota as much time, planning, and energy as they do in their careers looking for the right person in their lives, they'd find that person! RECRUITING LOVE takes work-but it puts an end to the helpless victim cycle. Schedule at least one social activity per week into your date book (don't go to the same place twice in a row, either) and DON'T CANCEL! Set a time frame for your relationship goals and stick with it, evaluating and updating your plan as you go along. Stay positive Do at least one nice thing for yourself each day. Affirm your commitment to succeed by saying first thing in the morning and last thing at night "I will create happiness and attract love!" If you can think it you can say it. If you can say it you can believe it. If you believe it you can do it--and you will! Sounds ridiculous, but it really works! And not just for love-but for any goal you want to reach!
6. Get support:
THE ADVICE SISTERS have two free, interactive message boards for singles who want to give and get support while going through the dating process at www.advicesisters.com and www.InsideTheWeb.com/messageboard/mbs.cgi/mb37587. Offline, we highly recommend joining a dating success team, or starting your own. "Success Teams" are groups of people who meet together on a regular basis to find creative solutions to accomplishing mutual or similar goals. They do this by sharing information, experiences, opinions and feelings, but (unlike group therapy or counseling), success teams focus on action and results. Their primary purpose is to keep group members focused and feeling positive, so that they can reach their goals even faster.
7. Get a copy of RECRUITING LOVE (of course)!
THE ADVICE SISTERS would like to leave you with these thoughts:
Finding love and forging lasting relationships isn't easy no matter what age you are. It takes a combination of intelligence, confidence, a sense of humor, optimism, and a willingness to take calculated risks with your heart. As an adult, you already know that there is no "sure thing" when it comes to love and sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you can't make a relationship work out well. When that happens, you must find the courage to keep looking. Have faith in yourself, a positive attitude, commitment to the task ahead, and a great plan, LIKE RECRUITING LOVE -the ultimate change-your-life-for-the-better gift for yourself (you deserve it) or for someone else you love who is single and looking.
Recruiting Love: Using The Business Skills You Have To Find The Love You Want (Cyclone Books, 1998) at:
RECRUITING LOVE : USING THE BUSINESS SKILLS YOU HAVE TO FIND THE LOVE YOU WANT
© Alison Blackman Dunham and Jessica Blackman Freedman, THE ADVICE SISTERS
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