If your life is filled with more of what you don't want and not enough of what you do want, it's time to set your boundaries.

What Are Boundaries? Why Boundaries Are Important? How Do Boundaries Work? How Are Boundaries Set?

Setting and keeping your boundaries and honoring the boundaries of others are among the most challenging and confusing behaviors in relationships. Boundaries are innate and natural to everyone. Each of you has your own internal indicator of when a boundary is being violated. A boundary, when crossed by others, will create intense feelings of anger, hurt or outrage inside you.

WHAT ARE BOUNDARIES?

Boundaries define a person's sense of self (i.e., who he or she is as an individual). Setting boundaries makes others feel safe around you and allows you to feel safe in your environment. It is a way to exhibit self-respect, thereby increasing the respect shown to you by others. Boundaries...

• Help other people know how to treat you


• Define your sense of self


• Delineate how much you have to give of time, money or energy


• Are dividing lines between you and everyone else that represents both physical and emotional limits others may not violate.


• Separate your needs, wants, desires, thoughts and feelings from others'

WHY ARE BOUNDARIES IMPORTANT?

Each of us experiences our reality in four ways:

• Body - what we look like


• Thinking - how we give meaning to incoming data


• Feelings - our emotional response


• Behavior - what we do or don't do

Intact boundaries give measured protection to your body, thinking, feelings and behaviors as you evaluate and assess the words and actions of other people in your life. You filter your experiences through your cognitive mind and your feelings. Through the use of your boundaries you determine which words and actions you will accept and which you will block when they are unacceptable.

We set boundaries to protect our body, thinking, feelings and behavior.

This week give some thought to how well you set and maintain your own boundaries and honor the boundaries of others.

• What are your boundaries?


• Where do you draw the line?


• How do you react when someone sets a boundary on you?

To find out, think of instances in the past few weeks or months when you felt intense emotion in response to something someone did or said to you.

• Do you tend to give in?


• Do you act against yourself or allow others to do things against your wishes?


• Do you tolerate unacceptable conditions?


• What did your family teach you about boundaries?


• Do you have difficulties saying no or hearing no said to you?


• The person who has hurt you says, "I'm sorry," but what does the behavior say to you?

HOW DO BOUNDARIES WORK?

We learn to set boundaries to protect two different parts of Self:

• Boundaries for our Outside Self, which protect our body and control distance and touch


• Boundaries for our Inside Self, which act as filters or blocks to protect our thinking, feeling and behavior

Boundaries that protect our Outside Self can be violated by such actions as:

• Touching or standing too close without permission


• Intruding on a person's privacy; for instance, walking into the bathroom or bedroom without knocking, or getting into another's personal possessions without permission

Boundaries that protect our Inside Self can be violated by such actions as:

• Yelling, screaming, name calling, ridiculing, lying, patronizing and sarcasm
• Negative control


• Unrealistic expectations


• Demanding one's own way or point of view as the only choice

HOW ARE BOUNDARIES SET?

Let me say first, setting boundaries is not disrespectful, bad or wrong. In fact, personal boundaries are set by people who are emotionally healthy.

Educate people in your life about your boundaries. Calmly and respectfully inform them about how they can and cannot behave around you. Let people know what you want and don't want, what you like and don?t like.

Let people know what your limits are. This actually gives people in your life the security of knowing your relationship guidelines and eliminates their fears about how they should behave with you.

Just a note to point out that the failure or inability to set boundaries may result in several unfortunate circumstances:

• Inability or unwillingness to set limits results in no protection for yourself


• Building walls to protect yourself actually blocks closeness and prevents loving and unloving interactions


• Confusion or ambivalence about setting boundaries results in partial protection


• Building walls or inadequate boundaries blocks all interactions and results in no protection

A boundary is not a barrier. Setting boundaries raises your sense of self-worth and self-esteem, because you are sending yourself the message that you are worthy of care.

• Be a person who knows that you have a right to control distance, touching and other physical contact with people, and they have the same right with you.


• You have a right to control your response to what others say, do, or expect of you, and they have the same right.


• You think your own thoughts and make your own choices. You must choose to do or not to do that which is in your own best interest or in response to your experiences. Others have the same right.


• If you offend or affront another person, you are responsible for the impact of your action and should make amends. If someone offends or affronts you, s/he is responsible for the impact of his or her action and should make amends.

Setting and maintaining your own boundaries and honoring the boundaries of others are skills that can be learned. It takes mindfulness, intention and practice. Be patient with yourself as you learn and practice these important and valuable skills. It is worth it; And so are you!

Only you can make it happen!

©2004

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