The following are THREE STEPS that, if you begin as soon as possible, will help save your marriage.

1) UNDERSTAND - Wake up and Smell the Coffee: The first thing you have to do is understand that there is something going on; there is a potential problem in the relationship. Many times couples stay in denial, thinking or hoping that nothing is wrong in the relationship. However, the longer a couple isn't relating properly, whether this is silently or openly not getting along, the deeper the problems solidify, and the more the chances of the Barbara DeAngelis's Four Rs, known as Resistance, Resentment, Rejection and Repression, creeping in, as well as what we call the Great Dividers of Love, such as judgment, revenge, punishment, disappointment, loss of respect and unfulfilled expectations.

Some common hints that a relationship is in trouble may be subtler than you may think they are:

Do you feel alone in your relationship? Do you feel more like roommates or friends than lovers? Do you constantly feel frustrated with your partner or have more subtle feelings of feeling unfulfilled? Do you daydream about your perfect partner? Sex is a chore, uncomfortable, awkward; one or both of you are fussing a lot during sex? One or both of you have no interest in sex?

The Key is to Understand differences and the causes of the challenges and problems in your Relationship. Our books Love by Design at love-by-design.html, or Counsellor in a Box at www.counsellorinabox.com, will help you deal with any issues you discover.

2) OPEN UP COMMUNICATION: Now, since you understand that there is something is wrong clearly, communicate this to your partner. Find communication techniques like the ones in our love-by-design.html, or from other sources, but tell you partner how you are feeling, tell them if you are feeling happy or not, and have them honestly tell you whether they are happy or not. You would be surprised as to how often unsuspecting partners say, "I had no idea that he/she wasn't happy," as their partner one day gets up and leaves them.

You or your partner will often say, "Yeah, well, I did give my partner hints or told them indirectly I was unhappy, or my partner just ignored me, or didn't believe there was a problem, or would not accept there was a problem unless they believed themselves that there was a problem."

The answer to this is, if your relationship is important to you, and if you and understand that time is of the essence, then you will find a way to get your message across and open communication.

If you are having trouble, a communication breakdown is often a telltale sign that there is a problem. If there is communication breakdown, you need to find a way to communicate. A lack of communication is a warning signal and potentially the reason why the relationship is breaking down, whether is this because:

You and your partner do not have relationship mastery skills Different communication modes Either one of you are emotionally shutdown Either one of you don't like to deal with problems You or your partner don't accept that there is a problem unless one of you agree that there is a problem; or If one of you is character disordered or just plain don't care about the other person's needs.

3) TAKE ACTION - Get the ball rolling: If your relationship is important to you, now you have to go out and find the research and information you need in order to save your marriage, or find out if you are designed to be together. You need to get the ball rolling, because the more time that passes, the greater what we call the Great Dividers of Love become, as well as Barbara DeAngelis Four Rs. Opening the communication with you partner will help as you find out the type of counselling that works best for you and your partner. Books are a great way to deal with issues because they are noninvasive and you can go at your own pace.

Whether you are looking for help through a support counsellor, life coach or a book, the following areas or information to seek out that will help you find out what is going on and how to save your marriage.

Seek to:

UNDERSTAND: Seek to understand as much about compatibility, relationships, relationship mastery and how people are different, that people have different wants, needs and requirements.

ACCEPT: Seek out information about helping to accept that people are different, that you are different, and that everyone has their own wants, needs and requirements. Acceptance also includes the idea that people have different opinions, and understanding the difference between disagreement and disapproval. You can agree to disagree without having to disapprove of the other person and their opinions.

FORGIVE: Find ways to learn how to forgive both yourself and your partner, since forgiveness helps to release the build up of emotions that cause the Great Dividers of Love and the emotions that create the Four Rs. Forgiveness opens you and your partner up to learning, as well as accepting and appreciating each other.

APPRECIATE: Seek to learn how to appreciate your partner and yourself. Appreciation assists in unconditional love and being able to see yourself and your partner for the unique people you are.

The Three Steps to Saving Your Marriage may seem simplistic, but having a system is the best and fastest way to be able to get your marriage on track, and at the very least, be able give you an understanding of what is going on.

These are the first Three Steps to creating a relationship that is a "mutual filling of needs," which will allow the love and chemistry to flow again.

©2006 Melody Chase

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