The Dilemma of Mr. Y - Perception IS Reality

One of my male friends just fell out of relationship the past week. There was a third party involved and the girl he was involved with ran away with someone else. To make matter worse, this girl was involved with one of his co-workers at his workplace!

Being a hot tempered person by nature, naturally this friend of mine, let's call him Mr Y., was unhappy and angry about his situation. He called me and confided in me. He vowed to take revenge; and in his perception, taking revenge was easy for him, since both himself and the other guy work at the same place.

Shocked, I attempted to persuade him to keep his cool and review his circumstance. Taking revenge is definitely an unwise way to resolve issues!

He was as stubborn as a bull! And no matter how I tried to persuade him to change his mind about taking revenge and doing foolish things, he was determined to carry out his plan. I even got our common pals to try to talk him out of taking revenge and to help him to think clearly about his situation and to be aware of the the disastrous consequences he would be facing in undertaking such foolish actions.

All my pals had no luck either.

I changed my strategies.

I repeatedly pointed out to him that there was no benefit he could gain by undertaking unreasonable and foolish actions against the other guy.

I listed all the disadvantages of him taking unreasonable actions against his co-worker. He was clearly at a disadvantage. Whatever he was planning and going to do was not going to put him in a good light; and would only deepen the misunderstanding between himself and his girlfriend.

I tried to make him see the bigger picture of how his way of handling personal issues will affect his company and the people around him.

I even tried to "threaten" him pointing out to him the scenario that he would likely be kicked out of his workplace by his boss for disrupting the harmony in the company.

He turned a deaf ear to all my well-meaning advice.

I couldn't bear to see him fall into his own trap. Being an ardent student of human nature, one day, after some careful thoughts, I text him a message, saying, "If you can forgive and forget, you would be a stronger person, and you would be blessed in many, many ways!"

During that night, he gave me a call, saying that my message came to him just in time. He was about to confront his co-worker when he received my message.

That message striked a chord in him. He kept his cool and didn't carry out his plan for revenge.

You see, his perception IS reality.

He couldn't talk himself out of dropping his plan for revenge not because he didn't want to; he tried, but because he couldn't make himself feel good if he did so.

The strategies both myself and our pals were using previously had all been based on 'fear' and 'threat', trying to make him see the disadvantages of his actions, and how his actions could get himself into trouble, giving his other co-workers very bad impression, losing his job, losing his girlfriend, disrupting the harmony at his workplace, and such likes. All of these couldn't make him change his mind. Instead, it made him even more determined to carry out his 'revenge'.

So, what made him change his mind? The key lies in the sentence "you would be a stronger person".

Finally, he could see himself in a more positive light, and he managed to convince himself that he was, afterall, a stronger person by not taking any foolish or unreasonable actions against his co-worker.

And, how can this little episode relate to your own relationship circumstance?

Have you been wondering whether you should tell your mate that you have changed for the better?

Have you thought that you have done a lot and yet you are still not satisfied with your relationship circumstance or how your partner is behaving towards you?

Have you been using manipulative measures, 'fear' or 'threat' strategies, without even realizing it?

Have you thought that you have done your best and yet you wonder why your partner has not changed a single bit?

Remember this, your partner's or your spouse's perception IS Reality.

Their dissatisfaction (or satisfaction) with their relationship with you was related to their perception of how they were being treated by you - their mate.

Take note that I said their perception of how they were treated and not how they were treated. This is very important. It means that in some, maybe many of those cases, you may have worked very hard and thought that you have done your very best to treat your partner well, perhaps even actually treated them fairly.

However, what you did is not the issue. It is how your partner or spouse perceived what you did that counts.

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