You know what a red flag is, right? That's a trait or a behavior in a person you are newly dating that indicates that not all is right with his/her ability to have a relationship with you.

Many singles ignore red flags in hopes that the problems and issues, whatever they are, will go away once the relationship grows and the two people fall in love.

This is partially correct. Issues and red flags do get better in the initial stages of relationship. People take better care of themselves and their lives. They clean their house where there was once a mess. They use deodorant where once there was none. They comb their hair or get a job or pay the bills on time or vacuum their car.

And yet, even if a red flag issue or behavior disappears for a time, it is bound to reappear at some point down the road, deep into the relationship and the stress of life. If it's a red flag for you now, imagine how it will feel when you wake up one day, long into a relationship, and have this same issue or problem rear its ugly head.

Ok, so is the answer to only date perfect people who don't have any "red flag issues"? Nope, because there are no perfect people and everyone has issues.

The question is, if all of the issues remained unchanged, exactly as they are now, would you choose this person? If the person remained a slob, or was not generous, or did not give you enough attention, or didn't work, or had intimacy problems, would you choose this person?

Choosing a relationship partner is choosing a companion, and hopefully a good one, with whom you will share love and life. But it is also choosing which quirks and issues you are willing to live with.

If you choose a person but don't choose or accept his quirks and issue, you will have a major problem down the road. The seemingly minor quirk or issue will eventually drive a wedge between the two of you that may very well end your relationship.

What's a single person to do? Find out what the person you are dating has in the way of quirks, by talking and listening, watching to see how he or she deals with everyday situations as well as crises, and spending time together. Then imagine living with these quirks. Could you do it, or would these quirks or problems drive you crazy?

If the love of your life can't keep a job, or has trouble staying close emotionally, or mismanages money, or can't keep promises, or isn't interested in physical intimacy after a long while into the relationship, or is a slob, or etc, etc, etc?.can you live with it? Be honest in your answers to yourself, because, as I said, small issues have the potential of destroying a relationship down the road.

However, if you are dating someone whom you want to keep and he or she does have issue or quirks that you know you can't live with, you do have one other option to salvage the relationship. You can ask the person to change. But that is a topic for another newsletter, or perhaps an eclass.

©2004

Back To Article Index