What the heck is Dating Protocol? Could something so formal and political sounding have anything to do with dating? Well, as you know, protocol is defined as a code of behavior or a set of rules. When you re-enter the dating world after a hiatus, because of divorce or simply being out circulation, you might feel uncertain of what is expected, how to act, and how it all works. The idea of protocol is to set up some basic ground rules to provide a more systematic approach for your behavior and actions

Seem like a crazy idea? Maybe, but dating isn't always easy and there are plenty of confusing situations that can crop up. Mapping out what you will do and when, can help you step around potential "landmines" with the grace of a ballerina. The biggest benefit to creating your own personal dating protocol is that you won't be caught off guard as often and don't have to make critical decisions in the "heat of the moment."

What's included in your personal dating protocol? A lot depends on your own life experience, desires, and how you want to experience dating. It's a totally individual process. Relying on dating protocol is most important during the first 4-8 dates, the getting to know you phase when the relationship is just forming. Usually by the 6th or 8th date, there is some amount of consistency and you can probably consider yourselves to be an "item." Where it goes from there- who knows, but at least the two of you have some track record by that point.

Here is a list of possibilities for protocol development:
Initial Plan
Who talks to whom first?
Who asks for the phone number?
Who makes the calls?
Who does the asking out?
Who selects dating activities?
What dating activities can I have in my back pocket if he asks me for suggestions?
What public places do I feel comfortable meeting in?
Who pays?
When will I reciprocate and how?
When will I tell him my last name or reveal where I live?

Intimacy Plan
When am I willing to kiss him?
What needs to happen before I am willing to get more intimate?
How long do I want to wait before I have sex?
How can I say "No" with grace if I'm not ready?
How will I occupy and distract myself between his calls and dates? (Make a plan!)
What will I say to myself and do if he stops calling?
What will I do if he doesn't call (fast enough) after we are intimate?

Communication Plan
How can I express my happiness and feelings without overdoing it?
What do I say to let him know I like something he did and want more?
What do I say when something I don't like happens?
How and when will I address any issues that might crop up?

Exit Plan
What do I say when I am not interested?
How can I let him down gently?
How can I be honest and still be nice?
How can I be direct and firm about "no" if he keeps calling?
How do I explain the "no chemistry" thing?

The best thing about establishing your dating protocol is that rules are made to be broken! You are setting up basic behavioral guidelines for yourself, but keep in mind that every man and situation is unique and different. Flexibility is a key ingredient for any plan. There may be times when you may want to try something new or take a chance. That's fine too. The point is to think about all of these things ahead of time so you are prepared and ready for almost anything. Then, if you feel like throwing caution to the wind - you are making a conscious choice versus letting something that just happen.
©2003

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