You've heard it all before: She wants kids, but he doesn't. He wants to move to another town but she doesn't. She wants sex but he doesn't (or vice-versa).

All relationships have issues like these to be resolved, and the question is "Who has the power?"

Who does have the power?

In some relationships, the power goes to the physically strong and abusive person. This is clearly not constructive power, yet it is power nonetheless. This power can only be wielded if the abused person continues to allow it. An emotionally strong person will leave as soon as physical abuse begins or continues. An emotionally weak person needs to get help so that they can leave before they get seriously hurt.

But power issues are often much less obvious. It is these subtle power issues that are most frequently misunderstood, and can be the cause of problems in normal relationships.

The following story illustrates what can happen when there is a power imbalance:

Mary was intelligent, outgoing, and beautiful. Tom was a young and promising corporate executive. Mary and Tom had dated for seven years before they got married.

Tom was the adventurous type. One day he said, "Let's go skinny dipping after dark at the beach. It would be fun!" To which Mary replied, "You've got to be kidding! That's disgusting! What if we got caught?" I should add, Tom is both adventurous and romantic. He says, "Honey, we've had such a nice day together, and this fire in the fireplace is so cozy, let's do it right here. I want you right now." "Tom, don't be silly. The fire is beautiful, but it wouldn't be at all comfortable on the floor. We should go up to the bedroom."

Tom, of course, does not give up easily. "Let's go for a bicycle ride this afternoon." "But we don't have bicycles!" "I know. I've found a place that rents bikes." "Oh, that's such a hassle. And it's a waste of money to rent them."

Tom wanted to see the world and do things. He wanted to experience life. He wanted to do things together. But Mary typically did not, and typically got her way. She had more power. Why?

There were two different problems happening at the same time:

One problem was that both Mary and Tom were emotionally immature. Mary wasn't emotionally mature enough to know that she should do more to please Tom. And Tom wasn't mature enough to understand Mary's immaturities. Lack of emotional maturity makes it difficult to deal with power issues when they arise.

The more subtle problem was that Mary didn't feel the same amount of romantic chemistry as Tom. Romantic chemistry is not a matter of "love" or "no love." Romantic chemistry comes in DEGREES, and may not be the same for both partners. The degree of romantic chemistry has a lot to do with who has the power in the relationship.

In our case example Tom was very much in love with Mary. His feelings for her were very high (probably a "9" on a scale of 10). Mary, although she tried her best to make the relationship work, was only marginally in love with Tom. Her feelings for him were not that high (maybe a "6" on a scale of 10). They got married because it was the natural and expected thing to do, and they didn't really know about true romantic chemistry or emotional maturity.

Differences in the degree of romantic chemistry cause power differentials in many relationships. The person who feels less romantic chemistry has more power (in our case Mary). This is because the person who feels less chemistry is less motivated to work towards the success of the relationship, can more easily walk away from it, and therefore can more easily have his or her own way. It is highly unlikely that both partners will feel the same identical level of romantic attraction, so there will always be some degree of power imbalance.

It's often better when the man is a little more interested in the relationship than the woman is. This tends to make up for the power differential that already exists between the sexes in today's culture. Fair or not, men usually have more power in our society than women. But if a man's romantic interest in his partner is somewhat higher than hers in him, he will be more highly motivated to please her and this gives her some extra power. Therefore the fact that Tom had a higher degree of interest than Mary might have been good, except that (1) they were too immature, and (2) the difference in the degree of romantic interest was too great.

It is important to recognize that these power differentials exist. Power factors can be very important when it comes time to resolve basic relationship conflicts and come up with a solution that is fair to both. If the partners are emotionally mature, the more powerful person will not take advantage of his or her position. The goal should not be to find identical chemistry (very difficult to do), but to find reasonably balanced good chemistry (not really the case with Tom and Mary) along with reasonably balanced good maturity so that power issues can be dealt with constructively.

Mary and Tom should have measured their romantic chemistry and emotional maturity before they got married. Their marriage was doomed from the start by the large difference in chemistry, but they were not mature enough to know. The marriage lasted three years and ended in divorce. This is unfortunately all too typical.

By understanding the effects that romantic chemistry and emotional maturity have on relationships, couples can make better choices, deal more effectively with power issues, and have more satisfying and lasting relationships.

©2005

Back To Article Index