Are You (Or Are You With) A "Commitment-Phobe"?
We hear it all the time. "He just won't make a commitment." "She just wants some space right now." "I'm not sure if I'm ready for a serious relationship."
What does having a fear of commitment really mean? Actually, it means basically what it says. For SOME reason you, or someone you are involved with, isn't ready to take this relationship (or any relationship) to the next step.
So how do we know if we or our (hoped for) partner are truly afraid of commitment? How do we know that it's not something else? Is there any real difference between these two anyway?
Do these excuses sound familiar? "I'm just under a lot of stress right now." "It's not you, it's me." "I can't focus on a relationship right now because of my overloaded schedule."
Very often, we want to accept these reasons because we fear the real truth. Other times, we are just very confused by our feelings and the often mixed messages from the other person.
So, how do we evaluate our ability to make a long-term commitment? How do we know if he/she is really ready or willing?
There are only two real issues here to examine.
The first issue involves looking at a true fear of commitment itself. If this is the problem it's important for the person with this fear to ask themselves a few key questions.
Are you concerned about the idea of forever?
If you answered yes to any of these, it would be a good idea to begin working to understand where these feelings come from. Once you understand them better, you can choose to address them.
Perhaps you need more time or emotional growth before you consider making a long-term commitment.
If you'd like to deal with past relationship feelings, I have an article on this at http://www.consum-mate.com/02jul.htm.
If you are unsure if you are relationship ready, check out my article on this at http://www.consum-mate.com/03jun.htm
If lack of self-awareness is an issue, check out http://www.consum-mate.com/02aug.htm
Greater self-knowledge will help you to overcome this block to building a lasting and satisfying relationship.
The second issue is the inability to make a commitment to a PARTICULAR relationship. This may not be the right one. Perhaps there is a sense of this but it is written off to being a "commitment -phobe" in general.
Focus on the true level of involvement with each other. Is there a genuine connection? Or is there a vague feeling of something missing? Evaluate the quality of your intimate relating. This does not mean how often (or even how good) the sex is. This is about how open, sharing and real you are in your interactions with each other.
Does any of this sound familiar?
It seems like we are only killing time?
Remember to focus on the involvement or lack thereof between you. If either person is disengaged in any way, it's time to address the real issue of; "Is this the right relationship for us?"
Exploring your ability to make a lasting commitment should be a first step in your plan for building a healthy and lasting relationship.
is a psychotherapist, relationship coach and founder of http://www.consum-mate.com. As a recognized expert, Toni has been quoted in many local and national publications including; The Chicago Tribune, The Orlando Sentinel, New York Daily News, Indianapolis Star and Newsweek newspapers and Family Circle, Cosmo Style, Tango, Men's Health, Star (regularly quoted body language expert), and People magazines. She has been featured on ABC news, Discovery Health, AOL news, MSN, and Match. Toni is also the featured relationship coach in "The Business And Practice Of Coaching," ( Norton,September 2005); and is the author of the forward for," Winning Points With The Woman In Your Life, One Touchdown At A Time" (Simon and Schuster, November 2005). From March 2005 until December 2005, she was a weekly contributing commentator (love and dating coach) on the KTRS Radio Morning Show, (St. Louis, MO). Toni is a member of The International Coach Federation, The International Association of Coaches and The National Association of Social Workers.