If you are having serious problems such as drugs with your children, stop reading this, and get professional help now. This is just some light reading that isn't meant to be taken too seriously.

I think that good parenting has to start with mutual respect, not with I'm the boss, and you'll do what I say. Naturally there will be times when you need to put your foot down, but try to treat your children like real humans with ideas, and personalities of their own. This is especially important for teenagers who will start to be more independent. Be their friend, treat their friends with respect, and you will probably find that they will start treating you the same. Be careful not to go too far with it, you still need to be an authority figure, but you can be their friend, and an authority figure also. It's a matter of knowing when to allow them to make their own decisions, and knowing when they might be going too far. Every situation and parent child combination will have a lot of different variables, so you have to play it by ear.

With young children it's not much of a problem, but with pre-teens, or teenagers you can't suddenly do an about face, and start trying to be their friends, they will see it as a farce, which it would be. Do it gradually, and honestly. If you recently broke up, you have a chance to take a bigger step in that direction, but you can still over do it. It's natural after a breakup to try too hard, and over compensate with your children. They have enough change to adjust to as it is, so you don't want to suddenly start being someone that you weren't before.

If you have just broke up with your spouse don't feel guilty about suddenly changing your children's life. Seeing their parents fight all the time can make children feel more insecure than having their parents live apart. If you can help them understand that they aren't to blame for the breakup, or for the fighting before the divorce, they have a better chance of feeling secure, and loved than they did when you where a "supposedly" whole family. You will need to answer their questions about the breakup as honestly and openly as possible, and also letting them know that they still have the love of both parents.

In "most" cases it's important that children have access to both parents. It's also very important to avoid using the children as a weapon against your ex. You would be doing more damage to them, than you would be to your ex. Try to act like friends with your ex when the children are around. Better yet, try to be friends with your him/her period. At least save the hostility for when you are alone. I realize that there are cases when that's just not feasible, but for the run of the mill separation you should both be able to at least act like friends around your children, and not try to turn them against the other parent. Remember he/she must have had some good qualities too, or you never would have had children with her/him in the first place.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it doesn't matter if you are a single parent with, or without custody, or are married. Children still need the same things.

- A secure environment.
- Love
- The opportunity to experiment, and grow
- Guidance

Enjoy your children, grow with them, and accept that you will make mistakes.

Good luck.

©1999

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