"The perfect is the enemy of the good".
(Voltaire)

Voltaire's famous dictum has been interpreted in different ways, but I take it to mean that people can be so focused on achieving perfection that they miss the opportunity to achieve something that may be a little short of perfect but is still good and definitely more within their reach.

I see this all the time in the dating world. The determination to meet the perfect person---or at least someone without certain perceived flaws---drastically shrinks the universe of potential dating partners. People often wind up with no one, when they could have easily improved their chances of meeting someone good.

People do this in different ways. After the unhappy breakup of a marriage or other committed relationship, a lot of us become determined not to repeat the mistakes of the past. This certainly is understandable, but we often become so fixated on our "ex" that we automatically rule out anyone who even remotely resembles him. It's one thing to disqualify someone because he's an alcoholic or a degenerate gambler, but it's something else entirely to disqualify him because he enjoys a glass of wine with dinner, or stops off at the Indian casino once a month for a couple of hours. And yet personal ads frequently contain all-or-nothing pronouncements ("Don't reply if you're a drinker". "No gamblers, please"). Yes, someone could reply and try to make you understand that he's not a problem drinker or gambler, that he has all the other qualities you're looking for, but why bother? It's easier to move on to the next ad, and dismiss you as someone unduly hung up on that issue.

Other people are not so much fixated on the negatives as they are on the unrealistic positives. The profiles that they put up on the online dating sites are what I call wish-lists-to Santa. The man must be a good-looking, articulate, amusing, affectionate, high-achieving professional, who loves kids and cats, and is committed to social justice and vegan living. The woman must be slim, toned, sexy, smart but not intimidating, accomplished but not averse to cooking, entertaining, or keeping a clean house, and, of course, under 40.

Are there "perfect" people out there? Maybe, but how many of them need to be on dating sites? And even if someone truly is everything you say you want, he or she may well be turned off by what sounds like a lengthy list of non-negotiable demands.

The solution is to be open to possibility. Don't assume there is one---and only one---ideal "type" for you. Don't eliminate people because they remind you of your ex in some superficial way. When you write a dating profile, remember that every single thing you say about the person you hope to meet narrows the number of potential responses. Say more about yourself, and let people decide if they feel attracted enough to you to respond. And realize that even the best of us have our shortcomings and our faults. Perfection is something to aspire to in a spiritual or artistic sense, but it's not something to demand in other people.

©2007

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