Do you know what kind of effect you have on your partner? Is he or she better off interacting with you, or worse off and having to recover?

If you leave your partner better off, you know how good it feels. When you help and support him or her, you increase your self- esteem. Also, by treating your partner well, you naturally expect to be treated well. Because you expect it, you do often get better treatment. It becomes a positive, nurturing cycle.

On the other hand, if you have ever left your partner worse off, then you know how bad it feels. Leaving your partner worse off lowers your self-esteem. You lose a bit of self-trust and self-respect. You begin to expect him or her to treat you poorly as well. It becomes a vicious circle.

This is not to say that you should never hurt your partner, or that you should take care of him or her to the detriment to yourself. Always do what is best for you, first. But whenever possible, leave your partner better off.

Consider a couple in a long-term relationship. The woman suddenly leaves the relationship, never having voiced that anything was wrong. Her partner wonders what went wrong, what he did wrong, and he will wonder and be in pain for a long time. He is left with is pain, fear of abandonment, mistrust of others, and mistrust of himself.

Or let's look at another couple. Let's say the man does not participate in the household as much as the woman would like. She tries to get him to help, spends a lot of energy on trying to change him, and all the while wonders why he does not love her enough to do more. The mess for the woman is a drain of her energy to compensate for the lack of participation from her partner.

Here are a few other instances of how our actions affect others:

• Being rude leaves people hurt
• Cheating leaves a partner feeling betrayed and deeply hurt
• Lying leaves people doubting themselves
• Breaking a promise leaves people frustrated and mistrustful
• Rage or over the top anger leaves people hurt
• Ignoring issues or shutting down on conversations makes people feel unloved
• Blaming and nagging makes people feel ashamed

If you are not aware of the effect your actions are having on your partner, you may want to work on your awareness.

What would it be like if your actions were felt as caring and loving? Caring may be a bit more difficult than hurting, like telling your partner what is not working in the relationship and negotiating to make it work is more difficult than just giving up.

Caring behavior may require contributing and participating more so you and your partner have a great life. It may require saying you are sorry, or telling the truth when it would be easier to lie.

Whatever you have to do to leave your partner better off, with his or her energy brimming instead of drained, is worth doing. It may be a risk, a bit scary or uncomfortable. But it leaves you whole and helps to make your relationship a good place to be.

©2004

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