It seems that the majority of my coaching clients are in a relationship where they are more attracted, and more mature, than their partner. Here's an example.

Jenny's attraction to Jim is about 95%, Jim's to Jenny about 80%. Jim is about 40% emotionally mature, Jenny is about 60% emotionally mature.

  In this case, Jenny is more attracted than Jim, and also more mature.  She is the one who came to me for assistance. If Jenny's attraction were less, she wouldn't need guidance because she wouldn't care; if her maturity were higher she wouldn't need guidance because she would be able to handle it on her own. 

The question invariably asked by the highly attracted/more mature partner is, "What can I do to keep him (or her)?"  (Sometimes I suggest leg shackles and a security guard, but this doesn't usually go over too well...)

  This relationship presents a difficult situation for Jenny because she wants Jim very much, but Jim feels a bit ambivalent towards her.  Jenny wants him to treat her in the fashion she's been taught to expect, but between his ambivalence and his immaturity he's incapable of doing it.  She is jealous because of his interest in other women, and he is upset because she is jealous.

  The first thing I suggest to someone like Jenny is that she do some serious soul-searching.  This relationship is going to take a long time to develop, if it ever does.  Does she want to invest time and energy with no guarantee, or would she prefer to find something a little less exciting but more secure.  There is no right answer to this question; everyone is entitled to their unique goals in life.

  If Jenny says she wants to invest the time and energy, then I would tell her she must accept the relationship "on his terms" (at least for now).  Immature people are usually self-centered, so pleasing Jenny will not be important to Jim.

  If she accepts the relationship on his terms, it gives him confidence that she loves him, makes him feel free and in control, and increases the odds of his someday deciding that this is the relationship he wants.  Trying to have the relationship on her terms (i.e. the way she wants it) makes him feel imprisoned by her rules and/or expectations and makes him unsure as to whether or not he wants to bother with it at all.

Of course in the long run a good relationship must be mutual and both parties must have an equal share in the decision-making power.  There will come a time when she must require that he meet some of her needs and wants.  However, if she doesn't let him have his own way for a while (perhaps a long while) then he will never get sufficiently comfortable to want the relationship enough to try to agree to some of her terms.

  Additional recommendations I'd have for Jenny would be that she protect herself by not doing anything that is terribly uncomfortable (but it's good to stretch and do things that are a little uncomfortable), and also that she find other friends (maybe even boyfriends) to fill her various needs, because Jim is not yet ready to love her and only her.

The reason Jenny needs assistance is that our culture does not offer the insights and skills necessary to move above the 60% (approximately) emotional maturity level.  On the contrary, it is the culture that creates this ceiling and (incorrectly) calls it "full maturity." This then becomes the proverbial "box" that is very hard to get out of because there is no culturally approved pathway.  Jenny is just at the point of realizing this, just at the point of breaking out of the box, and just at the point of recognizing that the people she knows (and calls friends), though well-meaning, are themselves stuck in the box and are thus not able to help her.

With outside assistance, Jenny can grow and at the same time help Jim to grow.

©2005

Back To Article Index