No good men. No good women. That's the chant of those still looking for love. But perhaps the problem lies more in one's expectations. Perfection is hard to live up to. "But I'm not looking for perfection," you say. Maybe you are and don't realize it. Not perfection in all things, but perfection in the most important qualification you look for in a mate.

Some pitfalls women get into can come from searching for a particular type of man, such as one who:

1. HAS POTENTIAL. Then the woman tried to mold him into something that he's not. He may comply for a while, but eventually he'll revert to his true personality and behavior pattern. The woman then becomes disillusioned and leaves because he doesn't have the "potential" she thought.

2. HAS LOTS OF COMPASSION. Then when the man gets angry or frustrated (perfectly normal emotions), the woman wonders what happened to her loving man and decides he must not be "the one," after all.

3. HAS A TAKE-CHARGE PERSONALITY. Then when he shows emotions, the woman doesn't know how to deal with his softer side, and thinks he's not as strong a man as she first thought.

Some pitfalls men get into can come from searching for a particular type of woman, such as one who:

1. DOES NO WRONG. She's the perfect hostess, the perfect mother, the perfect lover. He puts her on a pedestal. But a pedestal is a shaky thing. It's doomed to tumble. Then the man looks at the woman in dismay and wonders what happened.

2. IS GORGEOUS AND HOT. A woman can't be these things at all times. She's going to have a bad hair day. It's an impossible image to live up to. And it's also a very shaky reason to begin a relationship. Outer beauty fades too quickly.

3. TAKES CARE OF HIM LIKE HIS MOTHER. Often in new relationships a woman will do too much. The man gets used to this. Likes it (why wouldn't he?). Then expects it to last forever. When it doesn't, he gets discouraged and starts to sulk.

Instead of limiting yourself to a certain type of partner, try searching for someone who's multi-dimensional. Or better yet, don't search for a certain type at all. Realize that each person has a variety of emotions. No one is perfect (most people are far from it). Know that there will be a lot of bad times in a relationship. Beyond love and attraction, there has to be respect and real friendship for the partnership to last. Try finding that "friend" of the opposite sex first. Then if it turns to love, you will have the strongest bond that there is.

©2000 Ruth D. Kerce

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