Perfection won't keep you warm at night

After teaching a continuing education class one night, I ran into a business associate in the hallway. Barbara (who is single and 45) and I exchanged surprised hellos and then she asked me what I was doing there. I replied, "I just taught a class called It's Never Too Late To Meet Mr. Right!" Barbara rolled her eyes, groaned and exclaimed with vehemence, "there's no such thing as Mr. Right!"

At first I was a bit shocked because I don't usually get that response. But, it was an honest, heartfelt comment. We took a couple of minutes to talk about what we each meant and then things started to come into focus. It seems that Barbara's definition of Mr. Right is a man who is perfect, which explained why her reply was so emphatic.

I don't mean to imply that when you find Mr. Right he'll be perfect. The truth is, nobody's perfect including you and me. The intent here is that you'll find the Right Man for you, not the perfect man. Someone who has a good mix of the qualities you desire and an appreciation for the person you are, to create the magical bond that is love.

However, if you are like Barbara, searching for love with a vision of Mr. Perfect, I can only imagine the level of frustration you must be feeling. He has to be good looking, have a great sense of humor, be social, really smart, very successful, sensitive yet strong, emotionally available and stable, thoughtful, sexy, sweet, etc. Whew, that's a tall order!

As part of my work with men and women, I recommend developing a list of the qualities you want in a partner. It's difficult to know if you have found the "one," if you don't know the qualities you're seeking. I also encourage culling the list down to the "Top Five Must Have's," the qualities that you can't live without. Discernment is a critical part of courtship and this process provides a benchmark for your suitors.

However, the likelihood that you'll find a man with every single characteristic is slim. The "Top Five Must Have's" are suggested to keep you realistic and focused on what's most important about your potential partner. You may find someone who has many of the qualities you desire, but expecting perfection is really a great way to stay single. If you find that you use your standards as rationalization for rejecting every prospect, this may be evidence that you aren't as ready for a relationship as you think.

While on my own dating journey, I admit that I had quite a comprehensive list. As I continued to date, I noticed that my priorities started to shift and so did my "Must Haves." By the time I met the last couple of guys before finding my husband, my criteria had changed dramatically. Here's where it netted out:

• Someone with a good heart who is generous, kind, warm, honest and ready for love
• Someone who wants to spend time together and be in a relationship
• Someone I could talk to and share ideas with openly
• Someone with enough common interests that we can enjoy doing things together
• Someone who added to my life

The good thing about my "Top Five Must Have's" list is that it left plenty of room for some characteristics I didn't even know I wanted. Time spent with my husband was very different than with other man because it was relaxed and comfortable. I discovered that peace was a wonderful quality for a relationship. I also found a man who comforts me when I am upset without feeling burdened or resentful. Who knew that was something I'd like? I had spent so much time toughening up to make it in the business world, being strong and independent because I had to be, that I had no idea of the tremendous value something like comfort held for me.

With all these great traits, does that mean my husband is perfect? Of course not. We have our things to work on, as any two people in a relationship will encounter. But, one thing I can tell you for sure; he is the Right Man for me.

As you step out to meet people, I hope you'll loosen up on perfection and take this advice to heart. It's so easy to spend time judging each guy against every list item, but it's better to focus on how he does against your main priorities. See if you can simply connect, have a good conversation and some fun. Ask yourself:

• Does he make me smile?
• Is he a good person?
• Does he treat me well?
• Does he show me that he's interested?
• Do I have fun when we are together?

Your list isn't intended to be a stringent measuring stick, but rather, a guideline to ensure your basic needs are covered and to recognize what will make you happy. That's a very big difference. Try not to use your "Top Five Must Have" list as a way to disqualify and criticize men. Instead, look for a person's good points. The more you can appreciate the men you meet and see their positive traits, the more quality men you are likely to come across. Don't settle or lower your standards, but give the opposite sex a chance by being willing to get to know them.

As you survey the room at the next singles' event, practice acknowledging what is good. Most people are naturally adept at pointing out flaws and seeing what isn't right. Noticing the positive will open your heart and mind to the abundance of great guys all around you. Let go of perfection and increase your chances for finding a good partner who will meet your "Top Five" list, add to your life, keep you warm at night, and make you happy over the long run.

©2004

Back To Article Index