It's been said that nothing great can be accomplished without enthusiasm, and in no enterprise is that more true than in dating. But for many people starting over after divorce or the break-up of a long term relationship, it's difficult to summon enthusiasm for something so threatening, so potentially humiliating.

Mid-life dating can feel like being on trial. I'm going to be accused, cross-examined, judged, and probably found guilty of not being attractive enough, or young enough, or intelligent enough, or rich enough. And if I am found to be attractive, I'll be pressured into having sex with some guy I barely know (or I won't get to have sex with some woman who leads me on and encourages me to spend my money).

Is this really any better than staying home alone and eating pizza in front of the TV?

The only way to feel truly enthusiastic about dating is to believe that what you are doing is important. And it is. Actually, it could be one of the most important things you will ever do. You may, after all, meet a person who enhances, and even changes, your life.

Finding the right romantic partner is easily as important as finding the right job. Many of us unthinkingly put countless hours and superhuman effort into our careers, but treat our personal lives as an afterthought. Yes, our jobs pay the bills, but recognition and satisfaction can be rare and loyalty is usually a one-way street. We know we can get fired on a moment's notice for a good reason, a bad reason, or no reason at all. And yet we fight each other like starving animals to get a job or a promotion. Somehow, this is all seen as normal. But it is also seen as normal, albeit regrettable, to use our busy jobs as an excuse to neglect the people who should mean the most to us, to allow marriages and other relationships to crumble, and, for unmarried people, to avoid forming close relationships in the first place.

I'm not saying that we should all quit our jobs and spend our days answering personal ads, but I am saying that we should put the same sense of urgency into developing or sustaining our relationships as we do into finding a job or furthering our career.

Meeting new people will be a lot easier if you see it as fun. Like so many things in life, having fun is a self-fulfilling prophecy: if we believe it will happen, it will. (Of course, so is not having fun). The key is to develop a sense of playfulness. If you're writing a personal ad, try to say something that will make the reader smile, or even laugh out loud. Not only will your cleverness increase the likelihood of a reply (humor has been called the shortest distance between two people), but it will please you, as well, and will get your creative juices flowing.

If you're meeting someone for the first time, try to keep the conversation upbeat (which does not necessarily mean superficial). There's nothing wrong with mentioning bad things that have happened to you, but don't dwell on them. Show that you're a survivor, not a victim.

And, yes, there will be horrible mismatches and unbearable experiences. But someday you'll get a big laugh---and a lot of conversational mileage---out of that guy who put ketchup on his filet mignon and then ate it with his fingers, or the woman who told you about all seven of her past lives in vivid detail.

The positive atmosphere you're creating should be contagious. But if it's not, don't blame yourself, and don't try to force the issue. Not everyone is going to "get" you, but if you're persistent, and resilient, someone eventually will. And in the meantime, you'll enjoy the ride.

©2008

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