It is Monday morning 8 a.m. Alex is at his place of work. Alex is sitting at his desk looking and going through his workload. Alex is an office assistant. His workload consists of photocopying and faxing insurance documents, distribution of mail and other insurance documents including faxes (Interoffice) and answering customer complaint phone calls. Alex is wearing the usual office attire. He is wearing pleated dress pants, a dress shirt, a tie and Black shoes.

Jeff is also at work. He is in his office. The office door is closed. Jeff is hard at work. He is checking his email for email messages. He is checking his voicemail for voice messages. He is opening up mail (both interoffice out of office). He is checking his work calendar to see how many meetings he has to attend this week. He is signing off on important insurance documents. And he is going over the departmental budget. Jeff is drinking a cup of coffee and eating breakfast while hard at work.... Jeff, The Director of Customer Complaint, picks up his phone and proceeds to call Daniel Jonnbergs, Alex's supervisor. (The Phone is ringing)

Daniel Jonnbergs
Hello, Daniel Jonnbergs is speaking. How can I help you?

Jeff
Hey Danny, how are you doing this morning?

Daniel Jonnbergs (speaking lackluster)
I am fine sir. How are you?

Jeff
I am fine also Danny.

Daniel Jonnbergs
You are looking for Alex, right?

Jeff
Absolutely!

Daniel Jonnbergs
I will send him over when he is done making copies for me.

Jeff
Thank you, Danny.

Both Jeff and Daniel Jonnbergs hang up the phone at the same time. Daniel Jonnbergs hangs up with a bad attitude. He is angry that Jeff, his boss, is disturbing Alex from his work.... Jeff and Daniel were once sport buddies. Daniel introduced Alex to Jeff. Every since that moment, Jeff would have sports discussions with Alex and not Daniel. That angers Daniel! Daniel sees Alex and calls him over.

Daniel Jonnbergs (speaking with sarcasm)
Alex, you hard working person. May I see you for a moment?

Alex
Sure, what can I do for you?

Daniel Jonnbergs (speaking with sarcasm)
The boss wants to see you. I heard what happened yesterday. Good luck watching the games with your wife. I wish you the best. (Making the whipped sound)

Alex (looking angry)
Let me see what Jeff want.

Daniel Jonnbergs (Speaking with sarcasm)
Don't forget! This is a place of business and not a therapy session. Get my point!

Alex (looking surprised and some what angry)
I understand. I get your point.

Daniel Jonnbergs (Speaking with sarcasm)
Go talk about sports and your lousy marriage, with Jeff. I will see you back at your desk shortly. (Being Sarcastic)

Alex walks away from Daniel Jonnbergs. He is now walking towards Jeff's office. He reaches his destination. Alex proceeds to knock on Jeff's office door. "Come on in," says Jeff.

Jeff
How is it going this morning?

Alex
Everything is great.

Jeff
Did you get to watch any football games yesterday?

Alex
No! My wife and I were talking.

Jeff
You all still have unfinished business.

Alex
How do you know? What are you a psychic or something?

Jeff
It was just the way you left my house yesterday. I knew it was not over. It never is! Those type of situations always resurface. You just have to discuss it more until the right compromises are made. And that compromise you all made was not the right compromise. You know that and I know that.

Alex
You are absolutely right.

Jeff
Alex, can I talk to you man to man? Can I talk to you as a concerned human being and not as your boss? Can I talk to you without you thinking I am over stepping my boundaries?

Alex
Sure we can talk but Danny is timing me.

Jeff
I will take care of Danny. I will invite him to lunch and listen to his foolish comments about sports. And that will straighten everything out between you and him. Okay!

Alex
No problem!

Jeff
I have been in management at this company for 25 years. I have seen all kinds of people come and go. I have had people invite me to their weddings. And after a year or two went by, they're telling me their divorcing. I have seen people go into their marriages so nice and beautiful. And leave out their marriages a total mess.... Alex, I don't want that to happen to you. I have seen those emotional scars. Those scars last for years.

Alex
Jeff, I don't want anything to happen to me.... What am I suppose to do, I am a married person? I am trying to give my wife and my marriage a chance.

Jeff (speaking softly)
At what cost! Your sanity! Your self esteem! Your morals! Your health! You are paying a terrible price Alex; you just don't see it yet.

Alex (speaking with slight anger)
Well make me see it Jeff. You know everything. You have been married twice. You are the expert in here. Don't nobody knows more about relationship then you do.

Jeff (speaking softly)
Alex, in order for this to work, you have to want my help. I am not your boss right now. I am a concerned fellow human being with some insight and experience.... So I will ask you again, do you want my help?

Alex
Yes Jeff, I am interested in what you have to say.

Jeff
Some people think that when you enter into a marriage with someone that you can automatically change them. But that is not true! Changes come from within. All you can do is encourage a person that certain changes are in the best interest of the relationship. That the relationship will prosper if certain changes are made. And they have to see that for themselves. A person does have a right to be "who they are". But when you incorporate a love interest in your life and you all live under the same roof, adjustments have to be made.

Alex
I agree! I thought when I because "Husband", I could demand changes. I thought maybe if I set some good examples for her that might help. But it's not working. It is actually making me frustrated.

Jeff
Consider this illustration Alex.... When you marry a person, compare marriage to buying a used car. The car looks good on the outside. The body on that car looks perfect; no scratches on it and a brand new paint job. But do you know anything about that car's maintenance history or car troubles?

Alex
No, you don't Jeff! It is impossible to know those facts.

Jeff
Then after you purchased that used car, you realize this car is very expensive to maintain. The same with marriage! People look good on the outside. They say what you want to hear. They totally misrepresent themselves. They wear their best clothes, put on their best smile and laugh at all your stupid jokes. But when you say I do, that is when you see drastic changes. No more pretending, you now get to see the real person. You get to see all those things they were hiding from you. Those bad personalities and bad habits! The junk they acquired before they met you. Those things now become your problems. They become your property.

Alex
You're absolutely right. I feel like I am being punished. Why punish me for things or qualities you lack. Why do I have to pay the price? Why should my morale suffer? Why should my sanity suffer? I get tired of blaming myself, thinking I am doing something wrong. I get tired of people treating me like, I am the reason why they act the way they act.

Jeff
No, you are not the reason, so don't blame yourself. Some people's personalities are already set. You just did not see it. What you saw was that courtship personality. That personality that is pleasant and agreeable! Once you get married, you get to see that marriage personality. Then you compare personalities. Most times the courtship personality is so much better. You fell in love with the wrong personality.

Alex
You are right about that.

Jeff
Sometimes in marriage you have bull headed people. Not a bull headed person, but both of you are bull headed people. You clash at everything. You cannot agree on anything. Everything is a heated debate or discussion. Both people want to be in charge. No one wants to be flexible. Those types of relationships are volatile because everyone is easily angered or irritated at each other over the smallest of things. You have to have a good cop, bad cop relationship. Both of you cannot be bad cops. The husband has to be the bad cop. The wife has to be the good cop. The husband should have the more dominant personality. The wife should have the more passive personality.

Alex
You are absolutely right. My wife and I clash at everything. She wants me to report to her before I make any decisions. But she doesn't report to me when she makes decisions. I find out about these decisions weeks later. Then when I confront her, she said to me "I am an adult. I tell her that has nothing to do with it; we are supposed to be partners. And partners talk to each other.

Jeff
Everybody does not partner up well.

Alex
I see!

Jeff
Marriage is also a situation where both of you have personality traits. Both of you bring in "all your personalities". The purpose for both of you is to merge those personalities into one big personality. The Marriage personality! In order to do this, both people have to give up some of their bad personalities and acquire good personalities. The problem is; who wants to give up who they are, and who wants to change who they are. It's not easy merging two people into one. It takes work and lots of it

Alex
I admit I hold on to some of my personalities. I do it to protect myself. I do it to preserve myself.

Jeff
So don't be surprised if your wife does the same thing. She has a right to protect herself and preserve herself as well. But when both people behave like that, you are at a stand still. Somebody got to give!

Alex
You are right. I will start to give a little.

Jeff
How many people are in your marriage?

Alex
Two!

Jeff
You both are accountable to each other. Don't carry that burden alone. Sit down and discuss with her what direction you all need to go in "this marriage".

Alex
My wife does not accept instructions from me well.

Jeff
Maybe she should have married a woman then. And be the man in that relationship. (Alex is laughing) But being serious, all you can do is try. Do not force anything on anyone. If she starts to give you opposition, end the discussion.

Alex
Don't try to reason with her!

Jeff
No, end the discussion. If you keep talking you will choke your own message.

Alex
She usually does that. (Both Jeff and Alex are laughing)

Jeff
What I have to say next is very serious... Marriage is also an environment. In this environment called marriage you communicate with each other. You make decisions together. You also have your arguments and fights in this environment as well. How you communicate with each other in this environment is very important. You have to remember that your spouse is a fellow adult just like you are. That you married an adult person and not a child! So you speak to your spouse respectfully with a mild tone. Why, because marriage is an environment and how people talk to you in this environment determines how long you will stay in that environment with them.

Alex
You are right about that. A person can feel trapped in his own environment. It is like you can't escape. And if one person is in a bad mood, everybody suffers. Your whole life is wrapped up in that environment. I never thought about it like that way before!

Jeff
The next thing is decision-making. Decision will be made in this environment. Both of you consult each other whether making decisions big or small. Never make decisions behind each other's back. That could effect your environment somewhat.

Alex
I agree with you. I hate when my wife does that. It makes me feel invisible. It makes me want to give her an invisible butt kicking.

Jeff
Violence is never an option. But I can relate.

Alex
Thank you for your ability to relate. Because some people act like they don't have those thoughts.

Jeff
Lastly, arguments and fights, all marriages have them. Some thinks it healthy some thinks it unhealthy. My opinion is an argument these days could be your last argument. Just look at the 11'o clock news. Who really wants to argue in a marriage environment?

Alex
I don't! I can't be at odds with someone that is so close to me. Someone that cooks my meals! Someone that brings me a glass of water when I ask for it! Someone that lies right next to me! I can't see how people do that.

Jeff
Neither can I... But try to remember these things. Marital success is based upon; (1) people seeing that marriages are an environment. This is where you sleep, eat, breathe and defecate (2) you have to communicate respectfully to each other (3) make decisions together, not secretly and (4) if it is such a thing, try to argue and fight peacefully. Know when to walk away. And let your spouse walk away. Don't follow your spouse into the next room.

Alex
Sometimes Jeff I have to run out the house. As I am running out the house my wife is yelling at me saying, "only little boys run out the house". But I keep running!

Jeff
You better. The justice system is not designed to support men in domestic affairs. So keep running. And if she plays that game too many times, run to a lawyer. (Daniel Jonnbergs is outside of Jeff's office ready to knock on Jeff' s door. Daniel starts to knock. "Come on in", says Jeff.

Daniel Jonnberg (speaking with sarcasm)
Alex, are you done with your therapy? Are you done talking to Dr. Phil about your lousy marriage? (Jeff cuts in)

Jeff
A Danny, what are you doing for lunch?

Daniel Jonnbergs (looking at Alex with a smirk on his face)
I have plans with my beautiful, submissive, kind, considerate, easy going and lovely wife, why?

Jeff
I was going to treat you to lunch.

Daniel Jonnbergs (speaking very happy)
Let me call my wife and tell her, I have an emergency meeting. I will be right back. (Daniel rushes out of Jeff's office and hurried back to his desk to call his wife to cancel their plans. Jeff and Alex are laughing)

Jeff
You should have no more problems today with Danny boy.

Alex Thanks Jeff for the conversation. I will talk to you later. I have work to do. (Alex leaves Jeff's office to return back to his desk)

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