Q: Why do women get married?

A: Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.

In very recent human history, discussion of women's sexuality has become increasingly acceptable, and her gratification is becoming just as important as a man's. We are studying the female body more closely, unlocking the secrets to pleasure centers of which we had little previous knowledge. You can practically get a vibrator on every street corner (it's true, they sell them at American Apparel). And vibrators are vastly superior to men at producing orgasms. Why? Read on.

1. Vibrators are not obsessed with their own penises. The vibrator's sole function is to get a woman off. It is not frantically poking away at her most sensitive bits muttering, "Come one, come one," under its breath because it wants to get through her stupid orgasm as quickly as possible so it can get onto its own climax.


2. No vibrator has ever complained about the way she smells. Just as men are always obsessing about their size, women are worried about their vaginal odor. The fact that it doesn't naturally taste like passion fruit doesn't help the insecurity. If you're uncomfortable with cunnilingus, that is fine. Just don't make a big deal about how much you hate the taste/smell, or she'll never be able to get wet with you again.


3. Vibrators maintain a rhythm. They don't gently stroke her for a minute or two, then audibly sigh, and increase speed and pressure for another minute or two, and then again audibly sigh and repeat until her clit feels so attacked it's running in fear. Contrary to general male practices, this is not the proper method of stimulation. The rhythm and pressure need to be consistent. However fast or hard you do it depends on the woman and the day, but whatever it is, keep it going. If you get too jerky she'll be thinking, "What the hell is he doing?" and not, "Oh, this feels so good." You want relax her, allow her to appreciate the sensation, and if you're not creating a soothing rhythm it interrupts her concentration. However, if she's screaming, "Faster! Faster!" go ahead and speed up.


4. Her vibrator does not beg her for sex. It just shows up and does its job when she needs it. If she's had a long day, or she's in the middle of something, or if she's just plain tired, her vibrator will not whine or complain or try to guilt her into using it. Her vibrator patiently waits for her to be ready. When she is feeling horny, her vibrator has not irritated her to the point of being inutile in relation to her pleasure. And her vibrator has probably lasted longer than most of her relationships.

©2009 Michael Webb

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