I've written previously about the importance of flexibility in the dating process. One thing that people are often inflexible about is geography. We don't want to bother trying to meet someone thirty or forty miles away, much less out of state. In some very large cities, people don't want to venture out of their immediate neighborhood for a date.

I can certainly understand why people feel this way. We live busy lives, and we don't have time for more driving-or flying- than we do already. Even if we meet someone nice, how are we going to sustain a relationship if we can't see them all the time?

My answer is that a long-distance relationship may be more appealing than you think, especially for people who are starting over after a divorce. It's quite possible that the last thing someone in that situation needs is a new lover who lives close by. If you spent a year or more after your divorce living on your own, or just you and your children, you may not be ready to handle the pressure of having to be available for someone on a regular basis. You're used to your privacy, or to going out with your friends, and you don't want to give that up too quickly. You need time to absorb what is happening to you in your new life and your new relationships.

Having had several long-distance relationships after I was divorced, and then, in my current marriage, having had a job that required me to live in another city during the work week, I can assure you that if both people trust each other, time and distance don't have to be a problem. In fact, if you don't see each other every day, or even every week, you'll have a heightened sense of anticipation for your get-togethers and a lot more to talk about.

Of course, you have to keep the relationship in good repair in-between your meetings. Psychological studies have shown that people respond more favorably to small, frequent rewards than to larger, but less-frequent, ones. With that in mind, anyone in a long-distance relationship should send short e-mails or text messages on a daily basis-several times a day, if possible-and lengthier ones when time permits. We all like to hear our lover's voice, so phone calls are de rigueur, but they don't have to be hour-long ones unless that's what both of you enjoy and have time for. And this may mark me as hopelessly old-fashioned, but sending an actual letter once in a while, perhaps accompanied by a photograph or a newspaper clipping ("This reminded me of you"), will establish beyond dispute your reputation as a romantic.

My sense is that long-distance relationships can normally be sustained for up to two years or so. After that, there is likely to be a sense that "we need to decide what we're going to do". If both parties still feel strongly about each other, one of them will probably either move in with the other, or at least move close enough to have a relationship in which they can see each other more often.

In connection with moving, I hardly need to point out that ours is, for better or worse, a highly mobile society. People move thousands of miles for jobs, for lifestyles, for a more favorable climate, sometimes for seemingly no reason. Keep this in mind even if you still don't think you're up for a long-distance relationship. That person on the dating site who sounds perfect for you, except for the fact that he lives in Boston and you live in Fort Lauderdale, may have family in South Florida, may work for a company that has an office there, may be sick and tired of New England winters, or may be looking to retire early to a place where he can sail his boat year-round. But how will you ever know any of this if you reject him summarily?

©2008

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