Have you ever found yourself in a crowded place feeling completely alone? A few years ago when I traveled through Europe, I felt this way at times when my efforts to communicate in the local language didn't match my ability to actually do so.

Besides from feeling incredibly frustrated, I also felt a sense of detachment and isolation. These feelings were not what I usually experience when I choose to be by myself. They were imposed on me. I didn't want it to be that way.

No matter how hard I tried, I could not stop the feeling of being cut off from the people around me. This feeling of being "cut off" from others is normal in these situations, but it contributes to the debilitating problem of loneliness.

The Need for Social Contact.

Each person is different in the amount of contact they want or need from others. At one end of the spectrum are the social butterflies and party animals. and at the other end are the social recluses and hermits. But no matter where you fall along this line, there is a certain amount of contact with others that is needed to have a sense of well-being and life satisfaction.

The need for social contact and its natural byproduct, "intimacy" has been the subject of considerable research examining physical and mental health, longevity and even intelligence. Mental health workers also recognize the impact of loneliness on people. For example, a common complaint among married couples is feeling lonely within their relationship. They often report not feelings loved, supported or understood by their partner.

It is not surprising then that people look to connect with others from outside their primary relationship (like their husbands, wives, partners) to escape the painful isolation they feel from within!

Self-Sabotage.
A Characteristic of Lonely People

The interesting thing about loneliness is that people often impose it upon themselves. Although this may sound a bit odd, loneliness expert, Dr. Richard Booth, a professor of psychology at Black Hawk College in Moline, Illinois reported that lonely people are their own worst enemies. This is because they retreat from social contact when their unrealistic expectations of relationships do not meet the standards they set.

People may also become alienated by expecting or demanding too much of those around them. Lonely people often suffer from a distorted logic, and hold on to thoughts such as:

"I am alone, therefore no one wants to be with me. If no one wants to be with me, they are not willing to help me escape from my loneliness. If they are not willing to help me, I will reject them too."

This kind of negative cyclical thinking supports and reinforces the reasons why lonely people shun the very thing they crave the most, other people. Lonely people set themselves up for failure by sabotaging opportunities to make friends and acquaintances. They are often described as living on the periphery of life, as if watching from the outside of a fish bowl and wishing that some how they could be inside.

Depression Often Masks Loneliness.

Depression is a problem that often accompanies loneliness. In many cases, depressive symptoms such as withdrawal, anxiety, lack of motivation and sadness mimic and mask the symptoms of loneliness. In these cases, people are often treated for depression without considering the possibility that loneliness may be a contributing and sustaining factor in their condition.

Generally, the debilitating symptoms of depression can usually be managed with antidepressant medication. But when the underlying loneliness is ignored or overlooked, the depressive-like symptoms will probably continue. Unless the reasons for loneliness and depression are separated out, it can easily turn into a "chicken and egg" situation where depression leads to loneliness, and loneliness leads to depression.

When looking for help, it is important to think about what is going on in your life. It is just as important to let your doctor know about what's going on in your life as how you are feeling.

Here are some things you need to keep in mind to help your doctor separate suspected depression from loneliness:

• How long have you felt this way?
• Would you describe the way you feel now as a different from the way you felt a short while ago, or have you felt this way as long as you can remember?
• Has anything changed in your life that may explain why you feel this way (for example, a relationship break up, a move, loss of a job)?
• When you have the chance to be around people, do you socialize or do you shy away from them?
• If you have taken anti-depressant medication in the past, has it helped you get back that "good feeling" about yourself, or does it make very little difference in how you feel?

Things You Can Do to Counteract Loneliness.

• If it is too difficult to be with people for the sake of socializing, take a course, join a book club, gym, or parent group, or take up a new hobby that involves group participation.
• If shyness is a problem, join an organization such as Toastmasters or sign up for an assertiveness training course that caters specifically to these kinds of concerns.
• Reach out to others and you will be surprised at how responsive they can be - getting involved in volunteer work is an excellent and non-threatening place to begin.
• Do some serious reality checking about what you expect of others and yourself - therapy is an excellent way to get the feedback you need to move on.

Loneliness can really limit peoples' ability to be apart of fulfilling opportunities and relationships. Take the bold step and reach outside of yourself and you will be surprised to find what you have been missing!

©2003

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