Letting go of love that does not nourish us:
the why and the how. Part II
by
Last week we talked about letting go of a particular kind of past relationship. It's the kind where you are truly connected with your partner. There is true love on both sides. The reason you left the relationship was that your partner was loving only a small percentage of the time. The rest of the time the relationship was hurtful and damaging. You have left the relationship behind, but you are still having trouble emotionally letting go.
So, how do you step out of the dynamic of anger? How do you let go of the living, breathing partner that loves you and yet is not good for you?
The first step is to understand that if your partner could give you the moon and the stars, he or she would. Even when it looked like he was holding back or hurting you on purpose, your ex was always doing the best he could. Understand that your partner never purposely did anything to hurt you.
We are about survival on some very basic level. At any given moment, a person may feel that her survival is being threatened and will respond accordingly. This is subconscious behavior. It is very rare that anyone's survival is being threatened in a relationship, unless there is abuse. However, our subconscious mind doesn't know that. When you push your partner's buttons he may go into survival and retaliate to protect himself. She may be hurting you tremendously, and yet she is doing the best she can.
Choosing healthy partners is in part choosing partners that have worked on themselves enough to not go in to survival mode very much.
It is very powerful to let your ex-partners off the hook. Understand that all of his behaviors comprised all of his person. Sometimes she was wonderful and sometimes she was horrible, and all the times she was who she is. There is no way you could only have his good side. Her "bad side" was hurtful. You chose to leave. End of story. Let your ex off the hook.
Secondly, you must do something to honor and cherish the true connection that existed between your partner and yourself. You may need to honor that connection for the rest of your life. There is a part of him or her that is wonderful, loving and nurturing.There is a part of him that loves you and may always love you. And you may always love that part of your ex.
There is no way you can throw those truths away or hide behind your anger. You may not be able to live with your ex-partner. You may not want to ever speak to her again. But you cannot throw away love because of these facts. True love, true connection never dies.
What do you do? You honor the love and the person in your prayer, in your heart, in your thoughts, and in your actions. You use the gift of his love as a beacon to find more of that kind of love in your future partner. Send thoughts of peace, healing and joy to her whenever thoughts of your past relationship cross your mind. Whenever you miss him see your ex in your mind's eye and send him love. This is one way to honor the love you share, while protecting yourself from the hurtful behavior of your ex.
You may be hesitant to do the above. You may be afraid that it will make you go back in to the relationship with your ex. Remember that nowhere am I saying that your ex- partner will change and become more of what you wanted. Most likely, he or she will remain exactly how he or she is, at least as far as you are concerned. By honoring your ex-partner you become free of anger. By being free of anger you will be free to create the extraordinary relationship you want!
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