I had just had a great weekend with my kids and was now on my way to work, listening to a late night talk radio program. The host told a short story that impressed me so much I felt compelled to ponder it further. Today's article is the result of that pondering.

The story was of a father who had come home after an especially stressful day. After hoping to settle down to into his usual post-work routine he found he was approached by his young son, asking for ten dollars. The father had turned him down. Scolding him and sending him off empty-handed the father now sat in the living room later that evening feeling bad that he'd been so quick and harsh with his son. He thought it must have been something important for the son to ask for money since normally he did not do so.

Stricken with such a strong conviction the father went to the son's room and awoke him to apologize for being so sharp with him. In addition he said the son could have the ten dollars. Excited, the little boy reached under his pillow and pulled out a wad of one's he'd obviously been saving for a period of time. Aggravated yet again, the father scolded him, "Why are you asking me for money when you have money of your own to spend?!" To this the little boy replied, "But I still needed ten dollars more to make twenty dollars. Mom said you make twenty dollars an hour." The little boy handed the money to his father and said, "I want to buy one hour of your time for me."

The point of this story struck me deeply. This was despite the fact that during the weekend I had taken the time to include each of my sons's into something I was doing or given them some portion of my time. Yet even so it struck me how important it is to spend time not just being 'around' my kids, but 'with' each of my children in such a way that they know it is 'their' time.

Over the years we've been told that each new piece of technology is going to free up more of our time. The microwave. The cell-phone. The computer. Fast food. Quick oil changes, etceteras. Yet where did all this free time go? Sadly, we seem to fill it up with more things to do. More work. More phone calls. Less dinner conversations. More internet surfing time. It's so tempting and natural to fill an empty space of time with something we figure is even more 'important'.

As much as I've made it a point over the years to make specific time for each of my children I heard this story today and realized just how much more important my kids are than anything else I'm doing. I'll always have time to check on my stocks, or update my web-site, or read my books or whatever project I'm involved in. But only now do I have the valuable opportunity to be a central, vital part of my children's lives. Before long they'll be filling their own schedules with girlfriends, buddies and part-time jobs. Next will be their own apartment, bills and marriage. It'll then be me calling on them saying, "Hey, got any time for the old-man? Can we do lunch later today?" If I don't teach them now, with my actions, that time together is important enough to make the time for.. it may be too late to do so when they are older.

But it isn't just for the future's sake that I find myself taking stock of my time with my kids. It is for now. I'd hate to think that my kids wouldn't take my advice seriously when they have a problem because during the day to day occurrences I didn't pay them much attention. How can I expect them to accept my words with weight if I haven't shown them my care is for them at all times.. not just when they are having problems?

For the last five years I've set aside two to three hours a week with each son so we can spend time together. We call it our 'special day', away from our usual schedules. At the time it may seem like all we're doing is getting a hot dog, talking about music, playing billiards, getting computer gear or catching a movie. But every so often one of my kids will say, "Hey, remember when you and I went there on our special day?" Those times together make a real impact. More so I think than the big, splashy Disneyland-type events we only do once a year.

I love to cook. More than that, I love cooking for family and friends whenever I can. When it comes to spending time together I've found that it's a real jazz to involve one of the kids with me preparing the food. I suppose it's all how you look at it. If one of the things that has to get done that day is replacing a doorknob on the bathroom door, it might be easy to take the position; "Kids, I'm busy here.. go outside and play." But it's amazing how appreciative kids can be to be part of the process, helping you out by handing you tools and seeing you do a simple job. The time together seems to find its value in shared time rather than in the importance of the task at hand. An errand like taking the car out for an oil change becomes a memory when you bring one of the kids along and stop for some ice cream on the way back.

As I heard the story I mentioned above, it really struck me that some things just never change. Kids start out wanting time with their parents more than anything else. The worst thing that can happen is we train them to do without it. Conversely, the finest thing we can do is integrate our daily life with our children one moment at a time. Like saving money, it's the small and constant investments that seemingly multiply over time.

They want our encouragement. They want us to really stop and look at that drawing they spent the last half-hour laboring over. They are filled with accomplishment to see their good grades posted on the refrigerator door. They want our attentive assessment of the tent city they made from blankets in their room. They want us to sit down beside them and play video games with them. They know we value their opinion when we ask them which shirt color we should wear to work that day. Our hand on their shoulder, our eyes meeting their eyes when they speak and our acknowledgment of their accomplishments are worth more to them than our own weight in gold.

It's never too late to think of new ways we can show them that they are high on our list of important people. Having the 'intention' is not enough. Time slips by little by little. But if we take this conviction and make it a daily or weekly practice it then becomes a positive thing in our relationship with our kids.


©1999

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