This is just one of my experiences with years of online dating. I met this man in an online dating service. We liked each others profiles and seemed to have a lot of common interests and values. We emailed and chatted online for over 2 months during which time we seemed to have a budding friendship that had romantic possibilities. But... we had never actually met in person. Well, throughout our lengthy conversations concerning our thoughts and feelings as to what was important to each of us, this man stated more than once "I'm not overly concerned about someone's looks... I dated a model once, she was beautiful but there was no intellectual or emotional bond between us, purely physical". And in his profile stated "I'm looking for a woman who is herself and not trying to be in anyway someone or something she is not. Natural hair style without perms or dyes. False nails, eyelashes or...anything else is a turn off. I guess "low maintenance" is the phrase. I'd like for her to resemble the same person before "getting ready" as after."

Sounded pretty great to me! Don't get me wrong here... I am no "ugly duckling" and am considered attractive by most of the men I meet, their responses ranging from "beautiful, pretty, cute", etc... depending on the person (at least that's what I've been told). Most importantly, I have been described as having a great personality, being very non-judgemental and accepting, a warm person, friendly, easy to talk to, intelligent, funny, witty, etc... In all honesty, I stopped putting my picture online because I got TOO MANY responses, most were based on my appearance alone and I got tired of it! I wanted a deeper, more meaningful relationship based on the more important issues in my life such as kindness, caring, trust, mutual spiritual values, etc... I guess my major criteria for finding someone was that they not be a shallow person and not have a certain "stereotype" in their head (ie..Tall, thin blonde with blue eyes). This particular guy stated that he was looking for his "soul mate". Soul mate to me is someone I connect with on a deeper level than outside appearances only. Again, I am not discounting the importance of physical attraction and chemistry... these are very important. But... sometimes we need to spend a little time with someone before we see into their "soul". Know what I mean?

So, to make a long story short... after getting along wonderfully online for 2 months... he decides we should meet. Okay, I'm up for that (I think) and am looking forward to meeting this intelligent, deep, caring, and considerate "friend" that I've been talking to all this time. He says he's going to be taking a long drive out to his family's house who lives @ 100 miles away from me. On the way back the following day, he would like to stop by and meet me. Great! I say... but give me a day and approximate time so I can be ready since I work at home, often in my pj's and would at least like to be showered and dressed. I am not a "fluff chick" by any standards, at least not on a daily basis (although I can fluff with the best of them on occasion). But, during a first time meeting, I want someone to see me as I am on an average day, showered, hair washed, maybe a little light makeup, etc... casual but put together I guess.

Okay, he says he'll call me Sunday morning and let me know what time he'll be here. Wonderful I say! Now, I have all day Saturday to myself to get some extra work done around the house, etc...

Here it is late Saturday morning... I am in my pj's, haven't showered or dressed, and am working around the house happily planning spend the latter part of the day getting prepared to meet this wonderful new friend tomorrow. My phone rings... I get to the phone after putting down the mop and wiping my brow. "Hi!" he says. "Guess where I am?" (lethal words). "Gee," I say, "I don't know... where?" (getting somewhat nervous here). "I'm at the little store on the corner" (less than 1 mile from my house! Yikes!). Well, he decided at the last moment to just come over TODAY. Nice of him to let me in on his plans, huh? Well, I'm more than a little irritated at his rudeness but say, "well, you've come all this way so just give me a few minutes to get cleaned up and dressed since you caught me in my pj's, unshowered, cleaning the house. I say "I wasn't prepared to meet people today" He laughs and says for me not to worry about it, we can have a cup of coffee and talk, just a casual meeting. So, I do the 20 minute dash, take a quick shower, wash and dry my hair (just leaving it down, no time for real styling), put on a very light layer of makeup, put some "casual but stylish" clothes on (since most of my nice ones are in the wash, preparing for TOMORROW!).

He arrives on his motorcycle... I go out to meet him. After very short introductions he asks if I want to go for a ride... sure, I say. Okay, you can't really talk on a motorcycle but I guess we can do that when we get back to my place and have a cup of coffee, right? That's what I thought at the time... We go for a 10 minute ride around the neighborhood, only commenting about the weather, nice day, great for riding, etc... small talk. We get back to my place. I get off the bike, he stays on. I say, "Well, want to come in and have some coffee?" He says, "No, I should be getting back since I have a long ride and the weather may turn cold". Okay, I'm thinking... you came all this way to meet me, we go for a 10 minute ride and you don't even want to stay for a cup of coffee?... you must really think I'm a troll. Hhhhmmm... (And I'm not, I swear!). Well, okay then, talk to you later... I'm thinking maybe he wants to arrange for a "real" meeting another day.

Next day email... What got to me here was the title of the email "GOOD LUCK". Okay, that can't be good I say...

######,
I rode out there because I just had to see. It's just not there, sorry. Good luck to you.

What is this crap??? We talk for 2 months online, he meets me and doesn't we don't even have time to exchange 1 paragraph of conversation and he makes this decision? I thought this guy was deep? Looking for more than a certain "stereotype" like a lot of men! At least that's what HE SAID! Come on! He was supposed to be different!

I am feeling like a real loser right now... what's wrong with me? I'm attractive, in shape, classy, witty, charming, caring, and a great listener... can't he see that? (well, maybe not from the front of a motorcycle with me behind him.... chickle...) I guess I didn't fit into his "vision" of what I should look like since he didn't have time to see or hear anything else about me.

What is this? Another "SHALLOW HAL"??? Not this one! Can't be!!! We've talked for 2 months about this issue. Okay, I will say one thing... never overlook small warning signs... here are a few that I let slide by but were nonetheless in the back of my mind before meeting him...

1. This guy seemed somewhat full of himself. He sent numerous posed pictures of himself to me, in his little "get-ups", trying to look cool, etc... shades, hat, whole nine yards!... At the time I thought maybe this was his sense of humor... But... in the back of my mind I'm thinking this guy really thinks he's hot stuff! I don't like egomaniacs and that is a major turnoff. But, I liked talking to him so I gave him the benefit of the doubt, thinking maybe this was just some form of insecurity.

2. During the course of our online conversations, most of them centered around "his" life, his problems, his hobbies, etc... every time I mentioned mine he would almost immediatly turn it back to "about him". He didn't really dig too much into finding out about "me".

3. During a stressful time of mine when I actually opened up to him about my feelings, his response was "how'd you like a good-looking guy to come over and YOU can massage HIS shoulders?" Okay, at first glance I thought "he" was offering to massage "my" shoulders (in my time of need since I was the one stressed out). But no, he was actually suggesting something I could do for HIM. The utmost in selfish! Oh, surely he must have been joking, right? Just some humor to make me laugh (which I did). Now I'm thinking... maybe he WASN'T joking... and he really is that self-centered!

I ASK YOU...Is this not a "SHALLOW HAL"??? Well, I've added this to my online dating experiences that I will hopefully learn from and try not to repeat in the future. Better luck next time I guess.

©2003 Mindy Cameron

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Do you know how to flirt?

When was the last time you flirted?

Think it over...

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