How easily do you get what you want from your partner? And how easy is it for you to ask for what you want or need?

Perhaps you haven't worked up the courage to actually make the request you want to make. Or perhaps you've made several requests, but still find your needs unmet. If you're frustrated because you seem unable to get what you want and what you ask for, you're not alone.

This happens in all types of relationships, including intimate and dating relationships, family, friendships and work relationships. I'll focus on intimate relationships in this article; however, if you are having a problem getting what you want in any relationship, the information below will be useful as well.

There are ten tricks to getting what you want in any relationship. These tricks are not about manipulation, but about presenting your needs clearly, effectively, and honestly. Whenever possible, use these ten tricks to get what you want. The more you practice, the better you will get at both asking effectively and getting results.

1. It's ok to ask.
This is the first and most important trick. Understand that you have the right to ask for anything you need or want, whether it's an evening of help with childcare, help with the chores, an investment in your personal growth, or a gift you want. Always, always ask for what you want from anyone you want it from.

2. Be prepared to hear a "yes" or a "no."
One effective way to ask is to be prepared to hear either a "yes" or a "no." This gives the person you are asking a true choice. People like the freedom and power of being able to truly choose. Ask this way and you are more likely to hear a "yes."

3. Never make a "no" wrong.
If you get a "no" to your request, be gracious. Anything but a gracious reaction will mean you were making a demand instead of a request. Demands are never responded to very well and are always resisted. Make a "no" wrong and you are asking for more "no's." Be gracious, and you will get a "yes" -- if not this time, then in the future.

4. Have an alternative strategy.
You have the right to make a request and the person you are making a request of has the right to say "no." This means, like it or not, you need an alternative strategy for getting what you want. If a person says "no," you can't somehow make him or her do or give you what you want. You may simply need to employ an alternative strategy, take care of your needs yourself, or just plain do without the thing you wanted for now.

5. Assume that it would be a "yes" if...
Assume the person or people you are asking have your best interests in mind. If you get a "no," assume the reasons for your request are not clear. Assume that if your reasons were known, your request would be granted. Make your reasons known, gently.

6. Make the impact known.
How would a "yes" or a "no" impact you? Does the person you are asking know the impact of a "yes" or a "no?" Small things can have a profound impact. So get clear on the impact a "yes" or a "no" will have on you. Share this information with the person you are asking.

7. Honor his or her requests.
You're not the only one who wants to get what you want. Others want to hear "yes" and have their needs met, too. If you consistently give others what they want, you will get what you want more often. The key is to give and do what someone requests...not what you *think* they want. A word of caution here - do not over-give to the point of where your giving starts being taken for granted. Your relationships will suffer if your contributions to them are under-appreciated.

8. Don't ever nag.
Nagging is a way of making the same request over and over in order to wear the person down and force what you want. Nagging might sometimes get you want in the short term. But it always backfires because it creates intense anger in both the one being nagged and the one doing the nagging. If you need to repeat a request more than once, do so in the spirit of the ideas above.

9. Appreciate, appreciate, appreciate.
When you get what you want, make a big deal out of it. The giver just made you feel good, so return the favor. The more you appreciate, the more the other person will want to give to you and do for you. In fact, even if you do not feel appreciative, act appreciative. After a while, you will begin to feel appreciative.

10. Cure the, "I shouldn't have to ask you to do this" syndrome.
Ok, how much do you resent asking someone to do something they should have known to do in the first place? Don't you get angry at having to ask at all? In such cases, remember he or she is not you, but a different person, with different standards and priorities. What may be obvious or natural to you may be very hard or may not even occur to another person. You do have to ask to get what you want. Just do it gently, keeping in mind what we have been talking about here.

©2005

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