For many women, one of the biggest roadblocks to finding love is feeling embarrassed about telling anyone they are looking. Here are the most frequently mentioned fears:

1. People will think there is something wrong with me because I'm still single.
2. It's not natural to look. Why can't I bump into him in my daily life?
3. What will people think if they know I am looking?
4. I don't want to seem desperate.
5. If I bring it up, people will know my other relationship failed.

Do any of these comments sound like something you might say? Do these fears hold you back from asking people for help? Do you feel like you are the only person feeling like this?

One thing I know for sure is that you are not alone! The concern over what people might think and the related feelings of embarrassment is very common. So, what can you do about it? Well let's really examine the elements that make up these concerns.

*There must be something wrong with me because I'm still single.

This is the first time in history that there are so many single people between the ages of 30-60 except for war or famine. There are several contributing factors. Women's lib allowed women to work and support themselves. And, the sexual revolution eliminated the stigma of having intimate relationships without getting married. Both factors contributed to women's independence and at the same time, made it easier for men to avoid marriage. It's common today for people to focus on other goals and wait until later in life to tie the knot.

A divorce rate of nearly 60% has produced an abundance of singles aged 30-60 who traditionally, would have been with a partner. This has created a surge of singles that never before existed. In other words, you actually belong to a much bigger group than you might have imagined! According to the most recent U.S Census, 40% of American adults are single. (Starting to feel better yet?)

*It's not natural to look. Why can't I bump into him in my daily life?

Of course you might meet someone that way. But I ask you - how long are you willing to wait for that bit of serendipity to occur? When you were 22, almost everyone was single. At that age people are naturally more social and spend a lot of time in bars. That probably doesn't hold as much appeal today.

Since being single above the age of 30 breaks with eons of tradition, the methods to find a partner have to be more aggressive. As people get older, they are more set in their ways, which is precisely why it's necessary to do things you wouldn't normally do! Plus, over 30, there are a lot more people who are married and you might as well do your best to meet people who are qualified - i.e. single. Why wait to bump into a great guy and then find out that he's taken?

*What will people think if they know I am looking?

There are only three categories of people you might ask for help finding a blind date.

1. A married person who will think you are looking for what he/she already has, so what negative opinion could be here? Even though not everyone's relationship is in the best shape, for most people, hope springs eternal that love will win out.
2. A single person is in the same boat you are - what kind of judgment could she have for something she probably would like too?
3. A person in the midst of divorce, might make negative comments, but let's keep in mind that divorce can be difficult and take the comments with a grain of salt. (Your attitude should be shifting by now.)

*I don't want to seem desperate.

- If you were looking for a job, wouldn't you tell everyone? The best way to find a job these days is through word of mouth. Nothing like a good referral and that is exactly what a blind date is - a referral! You might be surprised - people can get excited about matchmaking. Some even say they get points in heaven! So why not give people a chance to earn a few points?

- Keep in mind, that how you discuss this topic influences people more than the concept of looking itself. Positioning and tone of voice are key. Let people know in an upbeat manner that you would like to meet someone. Try something like, -Life is good and I would really like to share it with someone. -There is nothing desperate about wanting to share. (Is your attitude better yet?)

*If I bring it up, people will know my other relationship failed.

This one is easy. People only know what you tell them. And, if they ask questions that you rather not answer, you can feel free to NOT answer. Your response can be as simple as, -That's in the past and I am choosing to focus on the future.? Or, even say that you don't feel like going into the details and are moving on. You don't really owe anyone an explanation, so don't let that hold you back. Here again, positioning and tone of voice help to shift the conversation gracefully.

By examining each concern about telling people you are looking for love, you can see that these worries are mostly unfounded and simply not true. Asking people if they know anyone may feel awkward at first, but nothing that a little practice can't cure.

I met my husband through a blind date. I was at the point in my dating journey where I told everyone I knew and everyone I met. There I was telling my husband's sister about my desire to meet Mr. Right within the first 30 minutes of knowing her. I didn't even ask if she knew anyone, she simply volunteered by insisting that I had to meet her brother! While it's easier to avoid the topic, you are eliminating one of the most powerful methods to generate love-life prospects. The cost of not asking for help is very high. For myself, I might still be looking. Let me encourage you to enlist the help of your network of friends, family, and acquaintances. Start slowly with the people who feel the safest. With practice, you're sure to get braver and venture out further on that networking limb. The sooner you try it, the sooner you can reap the benefits that are obvious - finding the love you desire!

©2003

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