Do you have a type? You know what I mean. Do the people you date have similarities, in the way they look, lifestyle, or personality characteristics? For example, your type may be a tall man with blue eyes. You may be attracted to older, distinguished or accomplished men. Perhaps you like excitement and drama or have a penchant for saving lovers with lots of problems. Some are drawn to the more aloof person who is hard to communicate with. These are all "types."

So, what's wrong with having a type? Well nothing at all if it's working for you. If you are happy in your current relationship, feel the balance of power is acceptable, and the situation enjoyable - good for you! Unfortunately, having a type frequently presents the same relationship issues over and over again - a situation that is not always fun.

Many of my clients complain they just don't find men who are attractive to them. This is a tip off that the person is likely hindering their dating search by seeking a specific type of man. Another signal is when someone says, "I just don't meet anyone interesting." It's a big world out there - there must be candidates who can spark your interest. If these comments sound familiar, you may be limiting yourself by typecasting as well.

In case you've been wondering why your relationships often end up with the same troubles or you haven't met anyone lately who does it for you, you might want to examine each of your past partners to see what they have in common. What should you look for to discover a pattern? Consider the following aspects of your lovers:

• Personality
• Lifestyle choices
• Family patterns and upbringing
• Outlook on life and attitude
• Physical characteristics
• Style of pursuing or dating you
• Communication patterns
• Partying and addictions
• Capability for intimacy
• Flashiness vs. substance
• Expectations and demands
• Amount of time he/she spends with you, etc.

Spend some time getting to know who you are in a relationship and become familiar with your own patterns and expectations. This can offer important clues for the next time you get involved or for your current circumstances.

Okay, you've looked at your patterns. Now, what do you do with that information? Keep in mind that knowledge helps you make better, more educated decisions. This is where the head meets the heart in terms of dating effectiveness. After all, the purpose of dating is usually "data gathering" to find a good match for a long-term relationship or marriage. Awareness is the first step towards creating change.

Take a moment to ask yourself, "Does this type of person meet my needs and make me happy?'

If you find yourself thinking "no" to these questions, you now have an opportunity to break from your traditional habits. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, yet expecting a different result. Since that's not too productive, I recommend trying something new.

The next time you are out there looking for love, be open to new types of people who might be attractive and get along with you better. Perhaps you'll consider a more soft spoken, and shy man who has a good heart versus the flashy, good-looking guy who is skilled at telling you what you want to hear. Or maybe you'll pick a more open and available man who doesn't play games and offers a solid heart connection.

Push yourself beyond your usual attractions to explore a broader range of potential mates. Cast a wider net to let more lovable options flow into your world who may be better at satisfying your relationship needs. Leave your type in the dust and find a good match who will expand your world and create a more joyful, lasting partnership. With 101 million single American adults, there is no doubt in my mind that the right person for you is out there.

©2008

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