Why Some Women are Desperate
I asked Dave how he was doing since it was the anniversary of his wife's death. He replied, "It's rough, but what is even worse, is women won't leave me alone! I don't want to hurt their feelings, but they phone me too so I can't even have peace in my own home."
Dave is encountering desperate women who feel they must have a man in their lives to be complete. Their obvious need is what drives the men away, the opposite of their intent.
You react to people based on how you perceive them. These perceptions are influenced by your perceptual styles: Audio, Visual, Feeler, and Wholistic. Further, when you are desperate, this clouds your perceptions because you see what you want to see. "I just know I'm perfect for him" or "I know he's interested in me." You lose your objectivity.
Desperation makes you reactive, causing your hot button to be easily pushed. Your hot button stimulates an emotion out-of-control, which is fueled by fears.
When people of the Audio perception are reactive, there is an undercurrent of anger waiting to vent. Maintaining personal control is important for them. "Get out of my way, he's mine!" There are basic fears for each perceptual style. For Audios, they are:
Remedy for Audios: Lighten up and be sensitive to his feelings. Be willing to let him pursue you rather than you badgering him. If he doesn't call or ask you out, maybe, as authors Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo say in their bestseller book: "he's just not that into you." If you relax and realize if it's meant to be, it will happen, that you can't make it happen, you will be more in balance with all four of the perceptions. Your softer side will emerge.
When Feelers are reactive, they become indignant, feel sorry for themselves. Feelers are caring and will do thoughtful things but they are also setting up unspoken expectations fueled by their fears:
Remedy for Feelers: Realize your unsolicited help, such as bringing over meals, might be considered interfering with his privacy and won't be appreciated. Become your own best friend rather than a needy, desperate woman looking for a man to rescue her. Men enjoy being with someone who is interesting. Show your natural enthusiasm for living - your fun side.
When Visuals are reactive, they become frustrated and depressed. Their biggest trap is perfectionism. "I like you but you need to change in some areas. If you love me, you'll be willing to make those changes." This desire for the "perfect" man is fueled by their fears:
Remedy for Visuals: Let go of perfectionism. You can easily be hurt by criticism because you view what you do as who you are Don't be so hard on yourself if you make mistake or if a relationship didn't turn out as expected. Learn to accept yourself as you are. You have a wonderful sense of humor because you can easily see the humor in everyday situations. Discover ways to make your life fulfilling without a man. Then you won't appear desperate because "you're not getting any younger ?"
When Wholistics are reactive, they become resentful and blame others for their discontent. This resentment is fuel by these fears:
Remedy for Wholistics: Beware of letting your desperation cause you to "settle for less" if you are disillusioned with yourself. You might be attracted to abusive men because you don't deserve better. It's never too late to reach excellence, whether it's being a wonderful grandmother, or writing a book, or finally having the time to do those things you always wanted to do but didn't have time.
When you aren't looking for a man is when they are most likely to find you. They might find you or you might approach him though a computer dating service. But if he doesn't reply to your message despite how strongly he "courted you" in his first messages, he's lost interest. It doesn't mean there is something wrong with you!
Be yourself. The "Red Hat Society" has expanded into hundreds of groups because they are women having a good time just being themselves. Remember Dave's plea, "I wish the women would leave me alone!"
is the author of "Stop When You See Red." She has over 25 years of experience as a speaker and is a popular guest on talk shows nationwide. She captivates her audiences and readers with humor and common sense techniques, using a light and lively approach yet zeroing in to the core of relationship problems.
Carol has a Bachelor's degree in Social Group Work and a Master's in Adult Education. For her Master's project, Carol did extensive research in personality-type styles, which led to the development of her Four Perceptions Self-appraisal and Personal Profile. It contains 10 Empowering Tendencies and 10 Limiting Tendencies for each of the styles. This became the focal point of her workshops. Many of the stories in the revised edition of her book Stop When You See Red are based on true stories from workshop participants and personal observations.
Her Web site is www.stopred.com.
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