Dating: Is it indeed a game? Recent newspaper and magazine articles, and now even books, are transforming dating and courtship into a much more rigid, technical, and rule-based game of the sexes. For example, a few years back, millions of women all over the world rushed to their neighborhood bookstores to purchase "The Rules: Time Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right," (Warner books) by authors Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider. Ms. Fein and Ms. Schneider advocate an approach to dating for women that is designed to "catch a man"-lure him, captivate him, and eventually steer him toward a committed relationship. The authors suggest that women today are too giving, open, and nice to men -- and that this approach causes men to lose interest quickly. Instead, they recommend that women play "hard to get," using a new set of rules, which they claim helped them to snare their own husbands. Some of their 35 Key Rules for courtship and dating include:

• Don't talk to a man first.
• Don't stare at a man or talk too much.
• Don't go Dutch on a date or meet him anywhere. Have him pick you up.
• Don't call him. Rarely return his calls.
• Always end phone calls first.
• Don't accept a Saturday night date after Wednesday.
• Always end the date first.
• Stop dating him if he doesn't buy you a romantic birthday or Valentine's gift.
• Don't see him more than once or twice a week.
• Be honest but mysterious.
• Don't tell him what to do.
• Let him take the lead.
• Don't live with a man or leave things at his apartment.
• Don't do anything else but casual kissing on the first date.
• Don't rush into sex.
• Don't discuss "The Rules" with your therapist.

The Rules, indeed, has generated a great deal of controversy. A major North American newspaper published an article entitled, "Love and War-The Mating Game is a War Zone with the Ground Rules Shifting from Moment to Moment." It explores the reaction by both women and men to The Rules. Reaction is mixed: most men find The Rules insulting and a definite turn off. Women, on the other hand, are divided. Many are willing to test this method since what they've been doing so far is not working. Many find that The Rules give them more distinct boundaries and a new found sense of power. Others, however, are of the opinion that The Rules take away the mystery, romance, and spontaneity that normally enliven a budding relationship. Still others say that The Rules, by prescribing a rigid approach to dating, reverses many of the sexual and relationship freedoms that women have gained over the past 40 years. I, myself, have some major concerns about these rules…

Let's consider, for example, the Rule, "Don't go Dutch on a date." This rule is troubling for two very important reasons. First of all, it has the potential to build resentment in the man: after all, why should the man pick up the whole check every time? It is unfair and possibly financially draining for him; it may cause him unnecessary financial and emotional stress. Suppose, for instance, the woman is a corporate executive and the man is a struggling artist or musician: Should the man always pay, even if the woman earns more money than he does? My second concern about this rule is that the expectation that the man should pay for every date is destructive to the balance of power in the relationship. By having this expectation, the woman is subtly communicating, both to her date and to herself, that she is somehow less financially capable than he is. She is, in essence, saying to him, "You are more able to provide than I am; your role is that of the provider." With all the advances we have made toward equality of the sexes over the past decades, I don't believe that a message that women are "less capable financially" is a welcome or healthy message to send out.

Another Rule I find troubling: "Don't accept a Saturday night date after Wednesday." Since when did making a date with someone have a three-day timeline? This Rule is designed to communicate to a suitor, "My time is important, and you have to respect that," and "I don't want to feel like you're scraping the bottom of the barrel of your little black book by calling me at the last minute." We all have busy, hectic schedules, and as adults, should respect one another's time. If you are the type of person that likes to plan ahead, then you need to communicate this fact. Eventually, when he sees that you plan your weekend by Wednesday or Thursday, your suitor will get the message. If he is truly interested in you, he will call ahead. If a man continually ignores that you prefer to plan ahead and always calls after your plans are made, you've got a problem. He's not showing you any respect, and if you love yourself, you will not tolerate this type of behavior, and will send him on his way.

My main concern about this Rule, however, is that it removes the ability for someone to be spontaneous. For example: Suppose it's a Friday afternoon. A guy that you have dated a few times, one in whom you are interested, calls you. You are surprised to hear from him, because you thought he was out of town. He tells you that he finished his business early, is back, and wants to know if you have any plans for Saturday night. If you have plans already, great. But if your dance card is empty, why not go out with him? Are you going to tell him, "Even though I don't have any plans, I won't go out with you because you didn't call me before Wednesday"? If a woman said this to me, I don't think that I'd ever call her again. Another example: you are sitting at home one evening. He drives by and sees the lights on, calls you from his car to say hello, and asks if you'd be interested in going for ice cream. If you are not busy or already going to sleep, wouldn't you enjoy his spontaneity and want to go for an ice cream with him? Dating and courtship should be full of surprises and spontaneity. By the way, there's nothing wrong, in my opinion, with a woman calling a man to make a date - whether it is three days, three hours, or three minutes in advance. It works both ways. Perhaps she enjoys being spontaneous, as well. By following the three-day advance-booking rule, I believe that we lose far more than we gain.

Another Rule that makes little sense to me: "Don't talk to a man first." I don't get it. What's the problem? I don't mean to be so direct, but who says that a man has to talk to a woman first? Is there not equality today between men and women? Suppose a man is shy, and he would like some sign that a woman might be interested before he takes the risk to approach her. This man would feel relieved if a woman talked to him first. On the other hand, a woman who noticed him and was interested, but who followed The Rules, might never have a chance to get to know him. There are many other examples: You're riding the elevator to your apartment, and you're with a guy who you've seen several times, who has just moved into your building. What's wrong with starting a conversation with him? You never know what might come of it. … You catch the same bus every morning to go to work, and there's a very attractive man at the bus stop. What's the harm in engaging him in a conversation? … You're in your favorite nightclub, and you spot a guy who piques your curiosity. What's wrong with going up to him and talking to him? The rule seems totally ludicrous to me: Why must the man always be responsible for breaking the ice? A woman that follows this rule, I feel, misses a lot of opportunities to meet some very fine men.

I find it absolutely incredible that millions of copies of books with Rules like these sold in a very short period of time. It's very sad to see that dating and relationships between men and women - which, I believe, should be a fun and creative process of exploration -- have become so dictated by regimented and inflexible rules. I guess that the soaring rate of divorce and relationship failures have made people look for love in new ways. I can empathize with this desire to find new answers, especially for young people who have witnessed so many failed relationships in their parents' generation. However, I feel that this type of book is taking regulations of dating and courtship to the extreme. Dating and courtship should not have the same type of set rules as a game of Monopoly or Trivial Pursuit.

What do we hope dating and courtship lead to? The answer is simple: what most of us strive for-a loving, intimate, committed relationship with another person. I fail to see how a set of technical rules -- all these do's and don'ts -- can help us create a loving relationship. If a woman doesn't talk too much to her date, never calls him, and rarely returns his calls, how can she ask questions and find out enough about him to make a decision about whether or not she wants to continue dating him or take the relationship to the next level? How can her date learn enough about her to make an informed choice about these matters? Relationships require cooperation and some compromise: one member of the pair cannot be expected to do all the talking and take all the risks. In order to receive love, you have to know how to give love. Clear communication is an essential part of creating a healthy, loving relationship. When dating becomes a battle of the sexes, or when women play hard to get, it seems unlikely that positive, lasting relationships will emerge from this game.

Love knows no boundaries, and does not exist based on the top 35 hit parade of rules. How can you possibly give love when you're concentrating on a set of prescribed do's and don'ts? Dating and courtship should be fun, magical, full of spontaneity and imagination. This is what leads to love between two people. I feel it's up to each of us as individuals, men and women, based on our values, morals, and who we are, to have our own rules. Sometimes it's just nice to experience romance by instinct, intuition, and, God forbid, maybe just listening to our heart.

You should not begin a relationship until you are ready. If you are not happy within yourself and are seeking a relationship to "complete" you, then you are seeking a relationship for the wrong reasons. However, let's face it: most of us need relationships instinctively-it is a fundamental part of human nature. Naturally, at some point, you will want to get into a relationship. Sometimes it is hard to distinguish whether you are seeking one for the right or wrong reasons. There is a difference between "need" in the instinctive sense, and "need" in the needy sense.

When you think that you are okay within yourself and feel the "need" (in the instinctive sense) to seek a relationship, how do you go about doing it? One thing is for sure: you will not find your relationship by sitting at home watching TV every night. First thing you have to do is: get out there! How you "get out there" is a matter of taste. Just be yourself, be open-minded, learn to take risks from time to time, be the one to make the first move every so often, be honest, be spontaneous, and don't take it too seriously. Remember, you don't need to burden yourself with rigid Rules, and you don't need to approach it as a battle. Dating is a process of discovery, about yourself and about your suitor. Find out what works for you. Above all, remember to have fun and enjoy the "game" of dating.

©2000

Show All Articles By Paul Mauchline

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