Committing to the Moment

We have reached a new plateau - or a new low, depending on your perspective - when it comes to men and commitment. Used to be, something as innocuous as becoming "boyfriend/girlfriend" was a slam dunk. No threat there, right? You could always bale out after a few "Friends" reruns over won ton soup and sex.

Well, nowadays - and maybe it's just in my neck of the woods here in Southern Cal - commitment begins much earlier. Or rather, the threat of it does. So even getting a guy - or OK, a girl - to commit to so much as exclusivity is a triumph in and of itself. And whether or not you're strong enough to handle this, I think, depends on how much luggage you are packing from previous relationships. Travel light? Great. You'll get on fine with those who "commit to the moment."

Case in point: someone I know well. Let's call her "Sarah." Sarah and oh, let's call him, "Sam," have been dating two months or so. Early on, Sam made a point to tell Sarah that he was not ready to date her and only her.

"Fine," Sarah said with a smile, "then let's keep it light. But I won't sleep with you if we are not exclusive."

Sam's face contorted into thirty-seven indescribable expressions as he said, "Weeelllll, ok ... I guess I'll have to respect that."

Then one night, as Sam was leaving on his trip to Florida, he and Sarah got, shall we say, a little frisky.

"Uh uh uh uh uh," Sarah said, chiding him as his hand started to slide toward the goods. "We're not ready to make a commitment."

"Oh yeah, right," said the downtrodden - and can we say, by this time very excited - Sam.

So as Sarah was jumping into her Nissan Sentra GXE, she gave Sam an especially warm and luscious kiss. "Have a good time in Florida. I'll look forward to seeing you when you return."

She smiled sweetly. He placed his hand to the window.

"What?" she asked, rolling it down.

"I - uh - I'll think about the commitment thing ...while I'm on vacation. I mean, that's what I will have to do if I am to be with you, right?"

She smiled ever so sweetly again, nodded, and said goodbye.

Well, a month later, Sam was sending her e-mails indicating that he could hardly wait to see her upon his return.

'Finally,' Sarah thought somewhat stupidly, 'Sam is ready to commit.'

And sure 'nuff, when Sam stumbled into dinner one Friday night, catching a whiff of both Sarah and her delicious surprise cheeseburgers (the surprise is that the cheese and jalapeno cooks from inside the burger), they both just "knew."

"I'm ready to give our relationship a chance," he told her.

And that, my friends, was the beginning of - well, not exactly the end - but the end of Sarah's perfect plan.

For afterwards, Sam used doubletalk like, "I am only dating you, but keeping my options open."

Sarah became a blubbering - to use Sam's words - idiot, crying at the mere mention of another woman's name.

"She means nothing to me!" he'd scream. And that was just over his sister.

So Sarah came to me - a wreck, naturally - and I told her this, "Don't ever, ever commit to more than the moment until you've known a man at least six months."

She looked up at me sweetly, tears forming in her eyes, and asked, "How come?"

"Because men are like animals. They go down the path of least resistance. And sooner or later, you'll wear them down, but not if you scare them off the trail first."

She looked at me dumbfounded, completely ignorant to the message. Obviously, Sam had really done a number on her.

"I guess I can do that," she said, without surety.

"Sarah -" I said strongly, shaking her, "You MUST!"

Well, I am not so sure she did listen to me immediately, but I can tell you that a month later, Sam was still dogging her heels, eating her surprise cheeseburgers and playing her John Denver songs on his guitar. And all because she hadn't committed to more than the moment.

And a year later, many of those moments had been made.

Author's Note: Many parts of this story have been fictionalized.

Laurie Wiegler is a Stratford, CT-based free-lance writer whose credits include Entrepreneur, San Francisco Focus, San Francisco Magazine, Office.com, About.com, The Singles Cafe, MUSE (Canberra, Australia) and dozens of other publications. Laurie is currently searching for Mr. Right in Manhattan and getting plenty of material for her next article.

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