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Dr. Dennis W.Neder
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Ask The Coach
by Toni Coleman

Ask The Coach

Ready To Give Up On Dating

Dear Dating Coach

I am an attractive, 30 something professional female. I have been getting more and more discouraged about the whole dating experience (scene). It seems as though ALL the "good men" are either married or in relationships, not interested in me or I am not interested in them. I honestly feel like giving up sometimes, as the investment of my time and effort just doesn't feel worth it- and leaves me feeling even more hopeless about meeting someone I could click with. What can I do to not be so discouraged?

-Hopelessly discouraged

Dear Hopeless-

I feel compelled to begin by reminding you that there are many single, attractive females out there who have felt exactly as you now do. The good news is that many of them are achieving success in their meeting and dating lives by asking- and answering- the same question you have posed.

That being said, let's look a little more in-depth at your situation. It appears from what you have shared that you are getting out there and meeting people. The problem is that you are not meeting available and compatible guys. There are a number of possible reasons for this. Let's run through a list.

The places you choose are not frequented by the kinds of men you seek.
Your special interests/activities are limited (and maybe of no real interest to you), and are regularly attended by the same people, none of whom have any relationship potential for you.
The circles (social, workplace) you move in are very limited and offer little opportunity to come into contact with single, professional men.
You are not adequately communicating what you want to the men you do come into contact with and may, in fact, be sending signals that say you are not available and/or interested.
You have an attraction to men who are unavailable and/or commitment phobic.

After you have examined this list and done a candid self-evaluation, you should have a fairly good idea of where your efforts need to be directed in order to make the changes you desire. Some general suggestions:

Seek out activities that excite, challenge and fulfill you. For instance, if you have a passion for hiking, join a club or group that sponsors hiking activities. If your great love is going to museums and art galleries, seek out groups that arrange tours for singles. Go where you love to be- this is a great place to meet someone who has something important in common with you.
Sign up for a service that holds events and activities for singles. They do the work for you and bring together singles who are looking to make new professional and social contacts.
Do some work on yourself in order to make sure you are truly relationship ready. If you have unresolved past relationship issues, problems with self-esteem and/or difficulty forming healthy relationships with others, seek help. Explore your options for therapy and/or coaching.

is a psychotherapist, relationship coach and founder of http://www.consum-mate.com. As a recognized expert, Toni has been quoted in many local and national publications including; The Chicago Tribune, The Orlando Sentinel, New York Daily News, Indianapolis Star and Newsweek newspapers and Family Circle, Cosmo Style, Tango, Men's Health, Star (regularly quoted body language expert), and People magazines. She has been featured on ABC news, Discovery Health, AOL news, MSN, and Match. Toni is also the featured relationship coach in "The Business And Practice Of Coaching," ( Norton,September 2005); and is the author of the forward for," Winning Points With The Woman In Your Life, One Touchdown At A Time" (Simon and Schuster, November 2005). From March 2005 until December 2005, she was a weekly contributing commentator (love and dating coach) on the KTRS Radio Morning Show, (St. Louis, MO). Toni is a member of The International Coach Federation, The International Association of Coaches and The National Association of Social Workers.

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