There are many single people looking for a relationship, but not necessarily finding the one. I hear it all the time in my practice. Single clients and friends tell me they have tried personal ads, dating services and the Internet. Some get their friends to set them up on blind dates. Many go to singles social activities and join singles clubs of all kinds. The lengths that singles go to in order to find a relationship could constitute a full time job. And yet, more often then not, they come up empty-handed. Sure, they may get some dates or end up in short-term relationships. But they don't usually find the lifetime relationship they've been seeking.

I have a theory about why many singles have a hard time finding a lifetime relationship. Rather than looking for a true partnership where both individuals meet each other's needs, many singles are only looking to get their own needs meet. They are not looking to relate with someone as much as they are looking for someone to love them.

When you are only looking for someone to love you, those who respond quickly and with the most intensity will be most appealing. You will be looking for people who act as if they are in love with you almost immediately. You will tend to gravitate toward those with whom you have this "chemistry" and who want to move quickly into a relationship.

Unfortunately, partners who want to move into the relationship quickly tend to leave or cool off to the relationship quickly. If you end up in a relationship where there is immediate chemistry, where you are loved and adored immediately, most likely you will be left or ignored soon after.

It is possible to be attracted to and have chemistry with lots of people. Everyone you're attracted to or have chemistry with should not be your relationship partner.

I believe every single person needs to learn the skills of ignoring the immediate attraction and looking for something subtler, something that can grow and develop over time. One way to do this is learn to recognize people who have the same values as you. Start by asking yourself the following questions:

What do I need in a relationship; what can't I live without?

What do I need day-to-day from someone in order to continue to fall in love with him or her?

What do I value in someone above all else?

What will be important when I live with someone?

What can't I live with?

What is the worst thing a partner could do to me?

Add you own questions to the list to distill your relationship values.

Once you come up with answers to questions above, you will have your own list of relationship values. Then, measure the people you are attracted to against your values. You will find the people with whom you feel instantaneous attraction will tend not to hold the same relationship values as you. On the other hand, you will find people with whom you have a more subtle attraction will be a better fit with your relationship values.

You are not judging a potential partner as good or bad. You are evaluating your compatibility with people. I believe there is someone for everyone. What you may find unacceptable in someone, another may find lovely and extraordinary. If you are to get what is important to you in a relationship, you have to find people who have the capacity and the inclination to provide it. After all, do you really want to spend the rest of your life living with someone who cannot give you what you need?

Real love, the type of love most people want in their lives, goes far deeper than attraction or chemistry. And it is worth the wait.

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