If you ask women what qualities they seek in a man, inevitably the conversation turns to chemistry. Women say they know immediately whether there is that magical spark or not. But what is chemistry?

Here's what I get as a response to that question:

• Chemistry is ha cha cha, spoken in a breathy voice.
• It's sparks and electricity
• It's excitement and desire
• It's an attraction that sizzles
• It makes you melt
• It's the stuff that sells romance novels

So, what do all these descriptions have in common? Sex. Yup, that's what chemistry is usually about. It's an intense sexual attraction that pulls two people together for an experience beyond the rational, thinking mind. Without it, there isn't "real" love, at least that's what the media would have you believe.

Chemistry is exciting, magical, fast paced, and cannot be denied. Or can it? Let's take a look at both sides of chemistry to understand the advantages and drawbacks and what role it should play in selecting a mate. After all, if so many women are willing to let chemistry dictate their relationship choices, it might be helpful to examine what's behind this mysterious driving force.

Advantage #1
With chemistry, you can usually count on a passionate sex life that rivals any Danielle Steele novel. Whether it's steamy, sweet, or tender, you know it will probably be fantastic, highly memorable, and leave you breathless, wanting more.

Advantage #2
Chemistry is exciting and you feel incredibly alive. The stimulation from the electric-like passion is a rush to say the least. Often, the chemistry relationship falls into one of two camps; 1) contact is limited for some reason (he's married, lives far away, met him on vacation, etc.) or 2) the relationship is established with lightening speed. Either way, the pairing is exhilarating and dramatic.

Advantage #3
Chemistry is richly romantic and feels like love; the swept off your feet variety. Every woman dreams of finding a romantic partner who appears magically like a knight in shining armor riding a white horse.

OK - go get a glass of cold water before moving on to the drawbacks.

Drawback #1
Chemistry often overwhelms and clouds a person's better judgment. The magnetic attraction can be compared to the classic story of the moth drawn to the flame. And what happens to the moth when it gets too close? The moth gets burned!

Many women admit they found the most chemistry with men who are "bad boys." These men love the chase, but usually disappear when the discussions start. Bad boys are terribly fun, but emotionally unavailable and even commitment phobic. Bad boys create a lot of drama and excitement, but are not the stuff on which long-term relationships are built.

After the fun stops, some women try manipulating tactics to change or re-capture these men, which unfortunately leads to more pain than pleasure. When you know a man is bad for you, regardless of how right it feels when you are together, you might be a victim of "bad boy" chemistry. One clear sign is if you notice yourself saying "I just can't help it" - then you're chasing chemistry.

Susan Marcus, a psychotherapist from Greenwich, CT explained it this way. "Chemistry is often a pull toward someone who represents a part of yourself that needs healing. With this person you feel a deep connection and familiarity, unfortunately the attraction is usually to someone who will repeat the pattern of pain rather than heal it. The pull can be so strong that you stay even after identifying the relationship as unhealthy or hurtful."

Drawback #2
People often mistake chemistry for love. But, jumping ahead in the relationship to great sex may result in intimacy that's literally, only skin deep. So many times there just isn't any foundation beyond scintillating attraction and when that fades - there's not much left to work with. Solid long-term relationships are built on getting to know each other through a variety of shared experiences. And that takes time and a partner with similar values and goals, who is willing to work through the inevitable relationship bumps.

Drawback #3
While I'm all for romance, the idea that prince charming will suddenly ride into your life and sweep you off your feet is an illusion. So sorry ladies, but fairy tales are for children. Through talking to hundreds of women about their experiences, it's become obvious that exceptionally romantic men are often in love with falling in love and can't manage to progress beyond the first stages of dating.

Set your sights on a man who can go the distance rather than someone who lavishes you with wine, roses and sweet talk. You'll be a lot happier in the long run and save yourself the heartache of trying to understand why the guy said so many wonderful things and then just disappeared.

Overall, most women reluctantly admit that using chemistry as the factor for selecting a man hasn't served them very well. Chemistry leads them astray into intensely passionate, but short-lived relationships that have broken their hearts and been highly disappointing.

Don't get me wrong. Attraction is a critical element for any budding romance. There's no denying that certain spark that makes two people click. The discussion here is about using chemistry as the sole bench mark for selecting which man to "road test." Instead of relying on sexual attraction that probably harkens back to prehistoric times meant to ensure the survival of the species, think about all the qualities that will make for a loving partnership.

If you meet a nice guy who appears to have many of the qualities you desire, but falls short on chemistry, cut him some slack. Get to know him better so you can appreciate who he really is and discover the kind of attraction that builds with time. For a lasting loving partnership, consider kissing chemistry goodbye, and start assessing prospects based on a wider range of characteristics that have more meaning for the long haul.

©2003

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