I was approached by a man several years ago who made the following comment, "You know how I know my wife and I are meant for each other?" Of course, "No.", was my reply. He then said, "In all our years of marriage and dating, we've never disagreed on anything. We think exactly alike." I thought about this for a moment and replied, "If you two haven't had a decent argument in all these years, somebody's not saying what's really on their mind."

Of those who know me, several people have made the comment, "You just love to argue, don't you?" As a matter of fact, yes.. I do. And I'm pretty good at it, too. Why do I say that? Because when practiced correctly, being able to "argue" is something of a virtue. But it has been through sloppy practice and errant definition that "arguing" has gotten a very bad name. Hopefully we can shed some light on this here.

First, let's deal with definitions. It always helps to know what we mean, and don't mean, when we use a word. The most important yet least noted element concerning the word "argument" is that it is -not- synonymous with the word "fight". Yet in our care-free use of language we will just as easily say, "My wife and I had a big argument last night.." when what really happened was the man and his wife actually had a "big fight". There is a major difference between the two, though they share a very slim margin of commonality.

In an argument, what occurs is two people of differing views on a subject meet and each express their own opinions along with the reasons they support such a position. Screaming, anger, or bodily animation is not needed to have a good argument, though sometimes those elements arise depending on the stress level of those involved. The objective of each is both to hear and to be heard. Perhaps they will agree in the end, perhaps not. In court we see that both the Defense and Prosecution are allowed to make their "closing arguments". In personal affairs, whether between friends or lovers, the argument serves the same purpose. Because not everyone agrees on EVERYTHING together, anytime we honestly speak our mind it is inevitable we will eventually disagree with someone. The moment we begin to each share our opinions, an argument has begun.

However, a fight is a different animal altogether. Perhaps the biggest reason for all the confusion is that a "fight" can include the presence of an argument, but it is not necessary to have an argument in order to have a fight. The objective of a person engaged in a fight is very simple and direct... to hurt the other person. The things said are not really meant to defend one's own position on an issue, they are meant to be used as a weapon. My tae kwon do instructor had the following philosophy on fighting.. "When you spar in tournament, you hit for points. When you fight a street opponent, you fight to disable them from fighting anymore." This is how fighting differs from arguing. A person involved in a fight will do all that is necessary to leave the other person wounded. A person in an argument does not seek to hurt, but only to make his point.

Because even a healthy argument can take an ugly turn so easily, it is good to be aware of what keeps an argument a useful, healthy part of an honest relationship. We all know honesty is a good thing. Yet we also know that honesty without kindness is nothing less than a license for cruelty. We have met people who insist, "I'm an honest person. I say what's on my mind.", yet they say this only to make excuse for their cruel remarks about other people's appearance. And so it is with an argument. In order for an argument to remain a useful, helpful part of how we interact with people, it must never be practiced without the presence of Respect. It is when respect is set aside from the arguing process that a fight begins to loom on the horizon.

As I alluded to in the beginning with the man who approached me, anytime we are honest with our opinions or preferences we are bound to be in disagreement with our mates. It may be over something as simple as where to go for the weekend or which movie to rent out. The answer is not to surgically remove discussion from the relationship and appoint one member to "make all the decisions". The answer is to, within the confines of respect, allow both parties to be speak and be heard on their differing positions. This is an argument, no more, no less.

For a little over a year I had the pleasure of meeting every Saturday morning with about 14 other men for both prayer and then a one hour open debate on varying theological issues. Many times we either did not see eye-to-eye or other times we agreed, but for different reasons. We argued our positions with passion and reason, yet always within the boundaries of respect. At the end, as we walked out to the parking lot, many times we still did not come to agreement on some "non-essential" issue but through it all we were still as close in our friendship as when we first walked through the door.

And so it should be with our beloved in a relationship. They should know they have the freedom and security to share their mind and heart honestly and be respected, though maybe not agreed with, for doing so. The same applies among friends and our children. I do not agree with many things my friends believe or support, but commonality is never a requirement in my love and care for them. When my children are old enough to say, "Dad, your position on time-travel is way off-base, and here's why...", I will welcome the moment to have an argument with my son. But I will never fight my son, for it is not in my heart ever to hurt him, my friends, nor my beloved.

©1999

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