What are the Bottom Lines for Yourself?

Have you ever looked at yourself as having rules or a bottom line, just as a company does as part of its business plan? Businesses figure out what bottom lines they need to be successful. What would happen if you did the same? A lot of us figure that if we go to work 40 hours a week or more, keep ourselves and our family clothed, fed and provided for, and enjoy our friends and hobbies, that's all we need to accomplish. And that may be so for you. Or it may not. If you project yourself forward to your last six months on earth, what will you celebrate as a win? What might you regret doing or not doing?

What impact do your own rules and values have on your life? In the movie Cider House Rules, it was easy to burn the written rules. The people living there had had no say in them. What rules might you choose to dispense with? How would you feel? Take stock right now of the rules others have laid down for you: your parents, employer, friends and others. If the directives don't serve you by making life more fulfilling, more efficient, more peaceful, what purpose do they serve? Obviously, some rules you have accepted in order to get paid: wear the uniform, work the required hours and do the job. But you do have choices. That makes all the difference. You can choose to leave or to stay--you must decide what consequences you are willing to accept for the decisions you make.

It will be easier to stay with an imperfect job if its salary provides you with a dream house or the retirement benefits that offer you relief from worry. But if you are unhappy at work much of the time, and you look back wistfully from your daydreaming into the future, that might be the wakeup call you need. One of my brothers decided he'd wanted to learn scuba diving long enough. He's going to take lessons, even though the expenses will keep him in debt longer. A personal rule he's following is to do what he loves now, not later. Another brother will take his wife and grown sons to Hawaii next year, rather than leave it all when he dies. His precept: to help his sons and enjoy them now rather than later. A friend whose husband is a perfectionist has chosen to live peacefully with his rigidity. Her choice is to stay committed. Another person in a similar situation might have a personal rule that says "Compromise and negotiate, or leave."

There are not necessarily right and wrong values and beliefs. As you know from the range of beliefs among churches, both pro-life and pro-choice proponents have very clear values. Usually you will know your own personal values by observing how you spend your time and energy. If you declare that creative time with your family is a high priority, but only watch TV together, you need to rethink and restate your priorities--perhaps you value relaxing without having to think too much. When you say you are committed to fitness, but only exercise once a week and eat as much as you feel like at and between meals, your priority is really ease and appetite satisfaction.

Before I spent some time thinking about it, I wasn't very sure what my own bottom lines were. I have been very independent for many years and hadn't really come up with "guidelines I live by" per se until today. They were there, but just unspoken.

I take for granted many priorities, values and behaviors. They guide but don't rule me: Roomers' rent is paid on time and I take care of my home and mortgage. I spend fun quality time with my granddaughter. I go to the gym three times a week. I write at least one or two essays a week for my book, Pleasures and Ponderings, and send in a column each month to Active Singles Life. I listen to classical music a lot. I spend time on yahoo.com personals and love@aol.com because I want to be in a serious relationship. I make money on the stock market. I am available for quality time with my friends and family. I get enough sleep. I reach out to and follow up with speaking and coaching contacts. I brush and floss daily. I watch Ally McBeal on Mondays. Front door stays locked. I bring in buckets of lilacs to my bedroom every spring. I do my house chores. I usher at ACT and Arts West and see several plays free each year. I don't want to see dishes left in the sink.

What I noticed just as truly as the priorities I take for granted were "shoulds " that I couldn't call Priorities or Bottom Lines because they were too often not followed. I'd like to believe that a clear desk is a rule. But no one who has seen my bedroom-office would believe I took that seriously. I also can't list "Delete emails or put in folders each day, nor can I say a living will or monthly breast checks or regular checking of smoke alarms is a must. I wish it were, but based on experience, it isn't. Daily reading would be nice, but doesn't make it for me as a must. Focusing on one thing at a time would really serve me. There would be fewer loose ends lying about.

But though I often carry a task through to completion at one sitting, there are many times I am distracted, or I'm fascinated by something else I just heard or read that I must check out right away. I'd rather indulge myself in my attractions than feel sorry for passing up one of my main delights--new information or new experiences.

If I rarely have a clear desk, but name that as a "must," I feel bad, wrong, weak, inadequate. What's the point of that? You can make goals out of the things you'd like to have as bottom lines, and work on a plan to achieve the goals. But they are not your priorities--they are only preferences-- until they become an integral part of your life.

Just for fun, you might take up pen and paper, and list all the things you do that you take for granted you will do. Those are your bottom lines, your priorities. If you choose to explore, you may feel better served by listing a few very specific bottom lines or you may choose to utilize a longer list. That's for you to decide. I would suggest that sharing your rules as well as your "shoulds" with an actual or potential romantic partner could save a lot of misunderstandings down the road. To share them, you first must write them down. I bet you'll be in for some surprises. Notice which bottom lines are wins for you, physically, mentally, emotionally. Ask yourself if you had only those guidelines if you'd have any regrets for doing or not doing certain things. You can make new rules at any time, but they only count as rules or bottom lines if they are consistent and observable--by yourself and others. So write your list. Add to it when you notice new priorities. Cross them out if you're not using them consistently. Set goals and make a plan of action if you want to turn "shoulds" or preferences into rules. And remember that rules, in this context, are values that support you, not laws that you might want to resist.

Now that you've got your list, you have your own personal blueprint, so you will know more about what your life will look like if you act according to those rules. And don't forget, you can change both your priorities and your actions. It's your life!

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