So here's the deal- after he left you for another woman and caused you tremendous emotional torture; He has the guts to stand in your front door crying like a baby and asking for your forgiveness. While he's there in front of you shaking his head for his stupidity and looking like an idiot, you just stare at him expressionless and in a way, a little stunned- you have been waiting for this moment when he will come crawling back to you and you will slam him dead with the door. But that was you then, after the affair of your husband, you are now a different person.

You are stronger and independent. When he left, you thought it was just a bad dream. Now he's back, you ask yourself- now what's after the affair? How do you know he has really learned his lessons? No matter how much you hate him, deep inside you still love him. You still need him. You want to take him back but you want him to come back for the right reasons. After the affair, you want that both of you to start fresh and start better. But before you do that you have to see what and how he feels about what he's done.

Does he feel remorseful? Has he specifically reiterated the reason or reasons why he did what he did? After the affair, you better make sure he is well aware of the consequences of his actions. Yes, you can't wait to take him in your arms again, literally and figuratively. I get that. But you have to understand, taking him back without knowing the real score after the affair is doomed to end. It is vital that you confront the things you have been avoiding and resolve it before it becomes a deadly cycle in your relationship. After the affair, it's not enough that his reason for coming back is he's fed up with the other woman, or he can't live being the bad guy who left his family for his mistress, or he misses your cooking and the atmosphere of home.

His main reason for coming back after the affair should be you- the whole of you, the new you. After the affair, you know he is sincere about his return. And he is willing to talk things out about your marriage. If he open this up, be sure to listen. Men usually are more specific when they communicate with their feelings. When you're husband opens his heart out, don't be defensive. I'm sure he is not pointing fingers at you. On the contrary, he is trying to work things out for both of you. Creating an encouraging and non-judgmental atmosphere can do wonders in your relationship.

Another sign that he is truthful after the affair is when he appreciates the new you and is willing to work with your new terms. After he left you, you have learned to become independent and have created a life of your own. Like for example, when he left you have joined an early morning swimming club. Thus, on his return to your home, he should be willing to prepare breakfast for both of you. And the last but not the least, he must be back for good and must be a changed man. He is more caring and considerate and less idealistic.

Your marriage now feels rewarding because both of you have learned to love each other's individuality and have found a whole new respect for each other. You see, something good can come out in every adversity if you learn to rise above it. I always believe that if we see each problems as an opportunity to make ourselves and our relationships better, the more you will be able to resolve that problem productively.

©2009 Ruth Purple

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