Ever notice that people attract the same types of partners over and over again? Isn't it perplexing to see a friend end a bad relationship, swear that they will never again date a person with X qualities, and then end up dating a new partner that has those same X qualities? If you ask them about it, they will either deny that the new partner is anything like the old partner or tell you it will be different this time. Why does this happen?

Consider the following. We are all little kids in adult bodies. We all have needs that were not adequately met by our parents. Not to blame our parents, mind you. One little girl's daddy was not there to pay attention to her. Another boy's mother didn't have time to go to his sporting events. Seemingly ordinary events like these can hurt children deeply and leave them incomplete. The hurt and the incompletion can't be helped.

Children will grow up incomplete about events in their lives. But look at what happens to the same little girl and boy when they grow up and start looking for a mate.

The little girl, now a grown woman, finds men who don't have time or are not inclined to give her attention, and so she spends the bulk of her time in any given relationship chasing her partner. The little boy finds women who don't care about the things that are important to him and can't celebrate his wins with him, and so he spends the bulk of his time in relationships feeling the same way he felt when he was a kid - unimportant and unloved. And this little girl and boy, now grown, and thousands of others like them, keep finding the same types of partners over and over again. Why?
Because when we have a need that was not met in our childhood we will relive it over and over again as adults. We will retell our childhood trauma stories over and over again in our behavior, until we are finally heard. We will find partners that are similar to our care givers, those behavior patterns that caused us pain and disappointment in the first place. That way, if we are really good and we are really lovable, and if our partners really love us and care about us, they will change for us and we will get our wounds healed and finally get complete with our childhood - we will become whole.

Funny thing is, what ever it is we want from our partners is the exact thing that they don't know how to give us and at the same time the exact thing that they need to learn how to give in order to heal their own wounds/trauma/life. So, we are not wrong for asking. And we are actually giving them a gift by asking for what we want. There is only one problem.

In order to give the attention to that little girl-become-woman, her partner has to heal his own childhood trauma. And he may not be able to or may not want to or may not know how to. He may be perfectly happy the way he is and perfectly satisfied in his relationships. He may not see any need for change. The same scenario can apply to both sexes.

You can ask someone to change once, maybe twice, perhaps at the most three times. After that, it's entirely up to them. Unfortunately, what usually happens in this type of scenario is that the partners we pick are not willing to grow. And we pick them just for that reason. It's not enough for us to get our needs met. We must convert and change our partners. It doesn't count as healing our relationship with our parents if our partners grow willingly - they must be a hard case and we must win them over with our incredible lovability.

Can you see that this is a no win game for both the seeker and the participant? The first partner, the seeker, gets to feel unloved, unlovable and a failure. The second partner, the recipient, gets to feel frustrated and not good enough. Bad rap for both.

So, what does one do when these things happen in their life?
First and foremost understand what you are really doing in relationships. Look at your subconscious motivations. Look at the story of your life that you are trying to tell. Second, start to heal those childhood wounds by giving to your self. Didn't get enough attention as a child? Spend an hour a day with your self in silence finding out how you feel and who you are. Didn't get enough toys? Establish a separate savings account and call it "Play Money". Spend it only on toys, and make sure to spend it all and often. You get the idea - get your needs met. Thirdly, learn how to only be with people that are willing to grow. People that are not willing to grow are not bad, and are wonderful human beings, but being in an intimate relationship with them will hurt, because relationships are always about growth. And finally, be conscious and choose wisely.

It's your life. Make it extraordinary!

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