The Art of Intimacy, The Pleasure of Passion
by
DatingA typical part of the dating process is to put our best foot forward. When we do so, we are hoping that the other person will think highly of us. Perhaps they'll like us or ultimately fall in love with us. The question we must ask ourselves is, "Who are we pretending to be?" And why? Is it our true self we are presenting or a masked version? We are on our best behavior so we can elicit the desired response from our dating partner. This entire dance of intimacy becomes pointless given that eventually our true self will emerge. So, in fact, we are setting ourselves up for future disappointment. We are actually manipulating the interaction and arranging for them to like who we pretend to be, not who we truly are. As time goes by we come to say that they are not who we thought them to be. It's a small wonder, in light of the fact that both people are pretending to be someone else. It's not that romance and love must fade, it's just that we are setting up that outcome by our deceptions. We tend to fall in love with someone's false personality, not who they authentically are. And then we talk of falling out of love. More likely, we didn't know one another deeply enough to begin with. The solution is to present our true self, not the masked pretend version. I want someone to fall in love with who I am, not who I pretend to be. In order to do so, we must love ourselves. If we do, we no longer fear rejection or judgment from another. If they don't love us for who we really are, we shouldn't be together. Love yourself first, because you can't get from another what you don't give to yourself. The preceding column is excerpted from the book, The Art of Intimacy, The Pleasure of Passion. is a psychotherapist and the author of The Art of Intimacy, The Pleasure of Passion. He is a keynote speaker and seminar leader on topics of relationship and higher consciousness. Mel earned his graduate degree from Columbia University.
Visit his website at The Art of Intimacy, The Pleasure of Passion ©1999
Back To Article IndexDating Problems Solved
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