"We can let circumstances rule us, or we can take charge and rule our lives from within."

-Earl Nightingale

Ending a relationship is never easy. But, it is survivable if you allow yourself to let go of the past. At first it's natural to go over in your mind everything that happened, how you or they could've done things differently, how bad you feel, how unfair it is and wondering what you are going to do now that they're gone?

Talking about your ex is cathartic in the beginning. You need to get it out, so you can move on. It's when thinking and talking about your ex is your only conversation, that it's bordering on obsession. You know when you are over the top-it's when every time you open your mouth, you find yourself talking about the same old thing over and over again.

Linda was married to a man who left her with four children. Needless to say, she was devastated. Plus, not only did he leave her but, he moved in with another woman. Everywhere Linda went, the same dialogue went with her. She told her story to anyone who would listen. She repeatedly told people she felt cheated, betrayed and she didn't know how she was going to pick up the pieces.

Linda relived her story everyday, a couple of times a day and she wondered why she felt so bad all of the time. When she contacted me, she couldn't understand why she felt so bad and wanted to know when was she going to feel better? In addition, she desperately wanted to know if I thought her ex was hurting and if he wasn't, she somehow wanted to make sure he was going to. Wow!

If you are experiencing this obsessive kind of thinking and your conversations are all one dimensional, it's time to seriously take control of your life. What you need to begin to understand is, first, your thoughts control how you feel. If you keep talking and thinking about how bad everything is…how do you expect to feel?

And secondly, if you don't get in control of what you continually think and talk about, you will undoubtedly continue to live a life filled with anger, vengeance, despair, regrets, un-forgiveness, hatred, etc. and you will remain a victim of this self-imposed misery. You have to wake up to the fact that your relationship is over and yes, it didn't happen they way you wanted and yes, it is extremely painful, and yes, it isn't fair, but it's your choice as to whether you are going to let it ruin your life or not.

Until you accept reality and face the truth, you will spend all of your energy living a negative, destructive existence, not to mention what this does to children. (That's a whole other talk show). Every time you open your mouth to relive the past, STOP YOURSELF and talk about something else, talk about anything else, but for your sake and your well-being, stop talking about the past. It's over, it's done with, what good does it do you to hold on to it? LET IT GO and move on or else you will continue to live your life in a horrible self-defeating way. It really is your choice.

Using a mantra or an affirmation will help you get your thoughts focused when your emotions are ruling your life. Make one up that helps put things in perspective, for instance, each time you begin the madness, stop yourself and say, "Everyday I am stronger and I am letting go of the past, I will survive." Whatever you do, don't fall back into the obsession, it's simply not worth it.

Your life is yours to live whatever way you want. If you like being miserable, you will continue to be obsessed. Otherwise, you'll wake up and take back control of your life, so you can live a happier, healthier life.

Read more about it in the book, "There Is Life After What's-His-Name"

©2009 Susan Russo

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